Living, laughing, loving...

Way to ruin Christmas.

2011-12-23T06:54:00.000-08:00

So, the fiance’ cheated on me last night. (in my dream). And the girl was young and beautiful. A tall, dark, slender stunner. She visited the college where he works and he was her advisor. And she thought he was so charming and helpful and wonderful. And she visited campus in low cut jeans and a bikini top. (Because nothing screams academic-minded hopeful like cleavage and lower back dimples)

And I remember, I was particularly livid because she had a rock hard stomach. As if it weren’t bad enough that he threw our relationship out the window and tore a family apart. He had to do it with sexy-stomach girl. And I woke up with the image seared into my brain. This may or may not be related to the fact that I went to bed last night, having consumed a fried tenderloin with a side of fried cauliflower for my dinner. To the untrained eye, that would look like deep fried muffin top in the making.

So, he cheated with Abs-erella in my dream. But I am mad at him now in real life. (obviously). Way to ruin Christmas babe.

Obviously.

2011-12-22T08:57:00.001-08:00

I am trying to portray, via text, to my boyfriend, that the energy has drained out of my lifeless body and I am now a zombie and need brains to eat. But all in a zombie voice. And he's not getting it at all.

I mean, if you get a text that says “Mrrrrrr… Mehhhhh. Blaaaaaa. Brainssssss.” It seems painfully obvious. Interpretation: I have died a slow, painful, death. I am a zombie corpse. I need nourishment to thrive. (AKA. My spirit has died. Please dialogue with me and entertain me).

Surely I have a right to be upset about all of this?

Most Fascinating People of 2011

2011-12-19T14:01:00.001-08:00

So Barbara Walters just released her 10 Most fascinating People of 2011. My. God.

If by “fascinating” she meant “the people I couldn’t possibly, in any universe, care less about” then, ok, she hit that one out of the park. And truly, this is your resident tabloid magazine junkie talking here. The very best moment of my life is a toss up between the birth of my children and the day I finally subscribed to People Magazine- so, I mean, I know a little something about pointless junk about rich shallow people.

Her list: Simon Cowell, Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Eric Stonestreet, Derek Jeter, Donald Trump, Katy Perry, Pippa Middleton and a clown car full of Kardashians

There are two names on that list that I don’t hate (it was the two that I had to Google, because they weren’t obvious fart buckets like the others) I like the picks Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Eric Stonestreet. They are the hilarious gay couple on Modern Family, only my very favorite show this year! I mean, seriously, this show is hilarious, how did I not know about it before now? So, OK, Barbara, well played. Two actors off the most popular show on television. Very innovative of you… (*note sarcasm). But fine, kudos, I do like them. Congratulations. Your list is only 80% terrible.

So… what if I had to pick the other 9 you ask? (aforemention are a gay "couple' so I am counting them as one pick obv...)

Zach Galafianakis: I want to touch his grizzlor face. He’s so goofy looking and weird. And he stars in one of the best comedies ever made. ALmost negated by the making of one of the worst sequels ever made… but the beard trumps the sequel. Invited.

Sandra Bullock: Come on. That’s a gimme. Let’s put her on the stand and have her tell us how much she hates her cheating, lousy ex and then we can all hate him together and then we can all ohhh and ahhh over her adorable little adopted baby and relish in the fact that she sleeps on kajillion dollar sheets in a kajillion dollar house and is adorable and people love her. And she probably knows what Ryan Reynolds looks like naked. So, we'll all relish in her success together.

Mark Zuckerberg: The guy that created Facebook. I don’t really want to talk to him. We get it. He invented a website and is a socially awkward twenty something billionaire. Blah blah, we’ve seen The Social Network. BUT, I would like to have two goons hiding in the wings and then they’d kidnap him and hold him for ransom. And the payment you ask? That he get rid of the new Facebook feed that the entire civilized world HATES and just give us the same, old, comfortable, chronological feed that we all crave. Genius plan. (come on Barbara, THINK!) If he can't make it, they can just sent Mark Wahlberg in his place. That will work too.

The dude that created the Keurig Coffee Maker. I don’t know his name. But every morning I wake up to that little K-Cup and say, "Hello Lover!" So, dude's invited.

Bobby Flay: He will not only be invited to my marvelous dinner party, he will cook scrumptious gourmet for us all. Then he will sit down and entertain us all with his wit and charm. Well done Bobby Flay… (yes, for those counting, he is the 2nd ginger on the list. Should've done a list of 10 most fascinating red heads of 2011... maybe next year.)

The entire cast of How I Met Your Mother: Because they are hilarious and I am convinced that they are all really friends in real life and that they want me to join their circle of friendship and that we’d all hit it off smashingly and go on vacations together and have witty banter all the time together. So, they are all invited so they can realize the potential of this union.

Ben Lamb: Winner of the 2011 World Series of Poker. Poker is no longer a niche’ thing. This is big business, millions in sponsorships, millions of fans and viewers and scandal has rocked the industry since Black Friday. This guy is a young gun superstar and would definitely be on my list.

Tim Tebow: I mean, duh. Do I have to justify this. His blood cures cancer. In.

Siri: The helpful bot from the iPhone4S. Let’s face it, this little droid is changing the way people work and live. It almost gets eliminated from the list for having a name resembling the spawn of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Almost. But this Siri knows all, tells all, helps all. “Siri, send invitations to my amazing list of celebrities and Most Interesting People of 2011. Now. PS, see if Michael Buble’ will croon for us, just background noise.” Blam, done.

Shiny and new

2011-12-15T06:15:00.001-08:00

I guess I am a little bit of the cliché’ “engage-ee” today. Those of you that are married, may remember that feeling. That foreign feeling of having that bling on your finger. The sparkle that catches your eye. That little snag of carbon, catching on your clothes. And the constant need to wipe away even the first hint of a smudge. It’s all so bright and shiny and new and magnificent! You just can’t fathom how the gas station clerk isn’t noticing and commenting on your newly acquired sparkle!

And let’s face it- isn’t that a metaphor for a relationship? In the grand scheme of life- in the ups and downs and good times and hardships and years of routine that will take place: even our relationship of a couple of years is still new and shiny.

But, as is reality, the ring will dull. The sparkle will diminish. The day will come where it will wear calluses onto my finger and I will hardly notice it. And I supposed, for us, tough times will come. We’ll face challenges, hardships, slumps, routines. But, the fantastic truth is, I know we’ll survive them. If I didn’t know that, we wouldn’t be going down this incredibly wonderful, possibly bumpy, always unknown road. I can’t tell you how I know, but I just know. I know that we’ve found in each other that person that is your perfect other half. Someone who genuinely enjoys your company and wants to be your partner. I wrote about marriage one other time, and what I yearned to someday find, what I refused to accept less than:

“You support each other, and little facets of your life intertwine and intersect in lots of places. Someone is there, they notice when you come home. They can tell how you're feeling. Sometimes they just sit with you- and you don't need to talk. You know the same stories, and have the same jokes. Because over time, those things have just melded together. Instead of his stories and her stories you just have "our" stories. You have fun together, and the same things make you laugh! There are little gestures, just those hidden little intimacies between two people. Kind words, a soft touch. You have inside jokes. You know their favorite meal, they know your saddest story. They know your strengths. And you know their vulnerabilities. You can laugh at your imperfections together. They know you're going to make mistakes and you know despite that, they're going to keep loving you anyway. You talk things out, make decisions together- whether it's where to go out to eat, or where to buy your next house. Two voices work together to solve life's problems, overcome the hurdles. And when you have a happy moment, you have the feeling where you can't wait to tell them because it truly affects them. It's their life as much as it is yours. I guess, the assumption is there that together, you're a "WE." You might have separate interests. But we're a WE.”

So marrieds out there, take a moment to clean your bling. Remove the lint, get that tiny scrub brush out and make it look shiny and new again. It’s a great reminder to yourself and the world, that you have a lot to be proud of! I am happy to show the world my new bling and someday you may have to remind me to do the same thing! In the mean time, shine on little ring, shine on... ("little" being a term of enddearment, said ring is not too little at all!)

From the Vault: They call me Domestic Goddess...

2011-12-09T07:06:00.001-08:00

I know the modern thirty-something career woman is supposed buy all food processed, canned or delivered, drive a hybrid, have an iPhone humming in their hand at all times, and look like Burberry threw up on them. I do, I know I am supposed to. But despite all the urges to be modern, I still love to throw on a good old fashioned apron and get my hands dirty.

One thing I love about baking is that you get to create something out of nothing. Well, technically it's not out of nothing, it's actually a lump of fat to start with. It's totally globby, gross, white, greasy, bulging and slick. Ewwwww. But then something miraculous happens. With a sprinkle of sugar, dab of flower, twice the recommended vanilla and a touch of love, you suddenly have something edible. It feels good, in a primitive, salt-of-the-earth, people have been doing this for hundreds of years, I feel like I should be wearing a dress and living on the prairie, kind of way. Well, as primitive as you can be with the help of my friend the GE Power Mixer.

But there are a few caveats you should know about my baking process.
1) I CANNOT seem to keep track of my ingredients. I mean, how many times can you honestly go to the store to buy brown sugar and not remember that you already have some at home? That's actually not a rhetorical question, the answer is four. Four times I can do that.
See Exhibit A: I've actually decided to start a brown sugar collection.

2) Physics doesn't matter in baking. Normally in real life, 1 pound=1 pound, but not in baking. See, in baking, you have 1 pound worth of actual, physical baked goods. BUT, and here's the rub, if you actually eat all of those cookies, you will gain more than a pound. Again, not a rhetorical statement, if indeed you eat more than 3 cookies (like in the neighborhood of 7...I'm just throwing that number out there) you will actually gain 3.7 pounds- and that's just one weekend! C'mon Isaac Newton, it just doesn't add up! E=MC squared my ass. (My ever-expanding ass I might add).

3) The last rule of thumb you need to remember when baking is that you really should follow the directions. Somewhere, a long time ago, a bunch of old ladies got together and thought it would be really hilarious to make up the names for all of the ingredients, and apparently the kajillions of words in the English language just weren't enough because they made many of them very similar. They were surely conspiring against the future career women of the 21st century, who are lucky to ever even serve any baked good that doesn't begin in a Marie Callendar factory, let alone trying to keep their ingredients straight. I mean, baking soda, baking power, c'mon ladies! Why? They're both white and dusty- is there really a difference at all? Ok, we also have the milks: condensed milk, evaporated milk, coconut milk, regular milk, rice milk, almond milk, soy milk... I could go on. I guarantee there's not a working woman out there today that hasn't wondered what the difference is in evaporated and sweetened condensed and tried to use them interchangeably. And then threw the dish out, because it turns out, apparently there IS a difference. And don't get me started on butter: sweet cream salted, sweet cream unsalted, margarine, oleo, shortening- do they all mean the same thing? Are they interchangeable? Do I cream the oleo or do half oleo half shortening or are they one and the same and if so, is margarine different and if I have to put salt in the recipe anyway, do I really have to buy unsalted butter because that seems inefficient. Seriously. Who made these rules?

The bottom line this holiday season is either know the rules and follow them, or just give up and rely on Sara Lee. I mean, it's the 21st century, there's no reason to be embarrassed about the "heat and eat" variety. In your face Betty Crocker.

25 and counting!

2011-12-08T12:38:00.001-08:00

So, I know I have been slacking on the blog again. But seeing that my readership is down to one, I figured it's not the end of the world...

Today is my 25th birthday!!! (Well, the 8th anniversary of my 25th birthday.) And it just so happens I am battling a particularly horrible flu bug! But, I will not be deterred from feeling incredibly grateful for the amazingness that my life is!

I have the two best kids in the world. They truly make me smile every single day! I have the world's best boyfriend. A man that is so patient and thoughtful and funny- I wonder how I ever lived without him. He makes so many of m days special, but man, he sure tries to make me smile for my birthday every year! And it is SO endearing and appreciated! And I have some really amazing family. Some of them I've had my whole life (Mom!) and some have come into my life in more recent years. But they are the people that fill my heart, who I build memories with, who love without expectation and who stand by me, flaws and all. To those people, I am so humbled and grateful!

I would say 2011 has been the best year ever and I can't wait to see what the future has in store!

This would be a great post to share a cheesy old birthday photo from my childhood. But I don't have one at my disposal, so... use your imagination to picture a somkewhat round, bright-eyed girl, with long, platinum hair, missing teeth, a Transformer t-shirt and an ornery grin. Maybe my lone reader will provide me some digital evidence to post? :)

Trick or Treat!

2011-11-17T10:51:00.000-08:00

Rockstar

2011-11-10T09:04:00.001-08:00

The dialogue between sisters:

Grace: “Millie, let’s play pretend like we are rockstars!!!”

Millie: “No! I want to be a mommy!”

Grace: *rolls eyes and then a big sigh and says: “Fine. Go make me some potato salad.”

And we now see that what encompasses being a “mother” is a servant figure that mixes up potato salad on demand. Glamorous.

The Big Escape

2011-11-02T08:45:00.000-07:00

Professional Colleague at Work: “It’s been great working with you on this project, I am sorry to say I am planning my exit.”

Me: “OMG, me too! I am going to paint my face and repel down the side of the building! I have cammo clothes tucked under my desk for the big day!”

Her: “No. I mean, planning my exit from the project. It’s the conclusion of Phase I. I’ll release the Phase II documents to the Project manager…”

Me: “Oh. Right.”

how a 2-year old sees the world.

2011-11-01T14:47:00.000-07:00

Setting: In bed last night, tucking my 2-year old in. She hugs her new teddy bear (Owen) and looks at the one I got her sister (Lizzy) and says so whimsically:

"Mommy. Dese (these) two beaws (bears) gonna gwow (grow) up and get mawwied (married). And den (then) dey (they) gonna live in a castle. Wight Mama?"

And then she thinks about it a minute and adds:

"And der (there) will be wainbows (rainbows) and cwouds (clouds) evewywhew. (everywhere). Wight Mama?"

And it was so stinking sweet and adorable and happy. Yes dolly, there will be rainbows and clouds everywhere.

falling all over again!

2011-10-25T14:42:00.000-07:00

What an incredible fall it has been!

I sent my oldest daughter off to first grade and she is doing so great and loving school!!! She’s so sweet and smart and makes me so proud every day! She is growing so fast and there are days I get some glimpses into what she will look and be like when she’s older. It’s terrifying and wonderful all at once!

And my youngest child, my sweet baby, has her 3rd birthday coming up. She has absolutely captured my heart in every way! She is so funny and has such a personality! I want to bottle her up and never let her grow up! Every thing she says is funny, the way she says it is funny and the faces she makes are funny! Be still my heart! She got potty trained early this fall and she is starting to lose that baby look!

My wonderful boyfriend and I had a great little trip to Vegas over Labor Day to celebrate the wedding of some close friends. It was so much fun and a beautiful celebration! I played in a nice little women’s poker tournament through the Ladies International Poker Series (LIPS) and got first place! We enjoyed great food and spent time the way we love to spend it!

We also love to take in the Iowa City atmosphere on Hawkeye game days, and this past weekend I got my first glimpse inside of Kinnick stadium. It was so much fun!!! I even recently referred to the Florida Gators as “we are playing our 3rd string quarterback.” Yes, I have officially inherited his team.

But really, it’s the day to day things that have me on cloud nine! The anniversary passed recently of when I moved out and filed for divorce several years ago. Sometimes it’s hard to believe it’s been that long and sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago! But it was a time for reflection, on how much my life has changed.

I remember how often I was filled with such hopelessness back then. I would cry and feel so alone- and wonder how I could bear a lifetime of such despair. Because I was truly resigned to that being my fate. No choices. No divorce. Ever. I wondered if my children would see the sadness etched in my face. If I would grow old and regret having not been loved.

But then thanks to the advice and influence of a great marriage counselor (or I guess in this case… divorce counselor???), I finally had the courage and mindset to change my life. And I have never regretted it!

Now, in my favorite season, I sit on the deck on brisk fall mornings and enjoy brunch with the love of my life. I travel and see the world. I get to discuss life and worries and joys and everything in between. My “family” has expanded to include so many wonderful people! I have unconditional support in every endeavor I undertake. I have someone who sits on 3 hours car rides and doesn’t even flinch when I play my favorite CD- consisting of Johnny Cash, Loretta Lynn and Conway Twitty- the entire trip. I have someone who misses me when I’m gone and who works hard to make me smile. Someone who I would do anything to make smile. My very favorite times are when we have a great family dinner, tuck the kids in, DVR our favorite shows, share some wine, and snuggle up. I want to go back and hug my former self from 3 years ago- and say, "Trust me. True happiness is coming. Just be patient."

It’s just so freaking amazing.

Please. Stop.

2011-10-20T10:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Fredericks of Hollywood,

Safe to say you can stop marketing your slutty Halloween costumes to my inbox. I appreciate the constant reminder that I can’t pull that stuff off, I do. But, let’s part ways amicably. By amicably I mean I will not deface your advertising with graffiti. OK, I might still do that. I feel like none of us wants to look at those picture perfect bodies- who’s with me!!?? (crickets…)

When you come up with a pumpkin-shaped costume with lots of stuffing in the midsection, call me.

Regards,

~~Early-thirties mom.~~ Late twenties lady. ~~Who has breast feed two children.~~With perky but small (ish) assets. ~~With a muffin top like you wouldn’t believe.~~ Who could stand to focus on the core a little more.

Shut your face and bring me my eggs.

2011-10-11T12:25:00.000-07:00

Me to waitress: “OK, I’d like the Classic Sampler. With an extra egg.”

Me: (feeling her long pause and scrutiny regarding my excess) “I’m kind of doing a protein diet. Thing.”

Waitress: “Well it’s supposed to come with hashbrowns, so I can sub those for something else.”

Me: Whatever Captain Literal. I said ‘kind of.’ “No. That’s ok, hashbrowns are ok.”

Waitress: “Well I can sub in bacon. Or another egg or something.”

Me: (I feel like she brought up another egg to be particularly smart-assish) “Just bring the hashbrowns.”

And after all of this, I had to discreetly order my pumpkin spike muffin at the cashier’s desk instead of with her and her harsh judging ways.

The meaning of the season.

2011-10-10T08:17:00.000-07:00

We walked into Walmart today and they had their Christmas trees up. I said to my sweet girls whimsically, “Ohhhhh! I love Christmas! And decorating! And baking! And seeing family! And just everything about it!”

To which my 6 year old says…“Oh Mommy!! I love Christmas too! I want to tell you all of my favorite holidays!” (as a side bar: I could say that I love picking up dog poo with my bare fingers in 100 degree heat and my precious girl would say, “Me too Mommy! I love touching hot mushy feces too! Kids are cool that way.)

I say, “Great, tell me your five favorite holidays and WHY they are your favorite.”

And Here. We. Go…

“Well Mommy, Christmas is my favorite! Because we get lots of stuff!”

“And then I love Easter too, because the Easter Bunny brings us lots of stuff!”

“And then I love the 4th of July!” (And here I am beaming with pride because finally we are getting to the good stuff- the spending time with family, picnics, kind of stuff ) and she says, “I love all of the parades that we can go to and they throw lots of stuff at us!”

“And then I love Halloween! Because we dress up and people give us lots of stuff!”

“And last I love Valentine’s Day! Because we get to cut out lots of paper hearts and show so many people how much we LOVE them!!” (and here my just melts and how stinkin’ sweet my little girl is) and then she says, “and we give them a heart and then they give us lots of stuff!”

Dog-gone-it!

2011-10-07T13:47:00.000-07:00

I’ll just get right to the shocking news of the day. All of a sudden, after years of resistance, I think I want a dog. A face-licking, shoe-chomping, pee-when-you’re-excited, mangy-breathed, butt-sniffing, food-stealing, take-me-for-a-walk-when-it’s-negative-7 degrees, MUTT. Well… I guess when you say it like THAT…

And now that my heart it warming up to the idea, everyone- and, well, their dog- is trying to talk me out of it. It’s starting to kind of give me a complex. I don't mean one friend. I mean 3 friends. And a brother. And a mom. And a clerk at Walmart, who fankly, can mind his own pimply-faced business, pardon my rudeness. I’m raising two kids. Two GREAT, happy, healthy, smart, funny, sweet, kids. And I keep hearing, “dogs are a lot of work.” “Dogs need attention.” It’s like people think they are talking to Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum! Are we some how giving off the vibe that we are incapable of acting grown up? I don’t mind the feedback at all- that’s not what I mean. I know everyone wants the best for us! And Lord knows, people are right, we like to have fun! We like to travel, we like to play cards, we like to go out to eat, we like to watch football. But we also really like to stay at home. We like to grill out. We like to have friends over. We like to snuggle up on the couch and see what gems our DVR has in store for us. We DO like to have fun, that is true. But at the end of the day, we are just two people, raising a family, our way, in our little corner of the world.

And really, I don’t need a dog for me. But I want a dog for my family. My nontraditional family. And yes, with a pet, comes responsibility. But it also brings togetherness. Picnics. Walks. Funny pictures. Snuggles on the couch. Stories years later. And it might mean sacrificing an impromptu weekend away. But that might also mean a great weekend home as a family. There are some parts of a traditional family my children will never have now. There are people in their lives they will never be able to count on. But adding the love of a fuzzy, loyal “furry little brother” might just might be something they need- it might be something we all need.

I leave you with this, those tempting little mug shots that are taunting me lately

living with the cards your dealt

2011-10-05T11:45:00.000-07:00

I’m a card player. I’ve always enjoyed cards. Growing up, my dad liked 5-card draw, my mom liked cribbage. My dad took me to the horse track when I was 5 years old, showed me the names of the horses and started my first gambling bank roll. I went home $17 dollars richer that day, shoved those winnings into a coffee can, and my love for the gamble was solidified forever.

Now, poker is my game of choice; for so many reasons, too many to mention on this blog today. I like to watch it, play it, read about it, and study it. It’s the perfect mix of math and odds/analysis and reading people and making moves based on perceptions. There is more strategy than luck, hands down. And it’s not a bad way to supplement income.

All that being said, I’ve always thought it’s a bit of an injustice that I have a love of and skill set to play this game, and God gave me just one hand to do it. Because more often than not, I am sitting at a table and every 8th hand or so, it’s my turn to shuffle. And almost nothing is worse to me than having to ask for help. Asking for help to count my millions? Good kind of help. Asking for help in deciding what kind of pizza to gorge myself on? OK, good kind of help. Asking for help because I physically can’t do something: bad kind of help. And there is no way around it, in that setting, I have to ask for help. I have to do it publicly, and everyone there sees it, and they have to help me over and over again all night. Stab, stab, stab. An annoying little knife in my pride, over and over and over. Now I know it’s not really putting any one out that much to shuffle for me. I am pretty sure on a few occasions, some of the older gentlemen kind of like it. They get to be my knight in shining armor for a few hours, until I graciously bat my eyes at them and knock their butt out of the tournament.

Now, objectively, pride aside, I know a lot of times it actually benefits me. I walk into a poker tournament, and right away I am different. In a world of crotchety, wrinkly men chewing on a cigar around a table, I am all high heels and highlights and lip gloss and smokey makeup. And then I sit down and I am smiling and then next thing you know, I have to ask for help shuffling…. Their perception of me is inexperienced. Unassuming. And that assumption helps me more than you can know. I have an instant advantage in bluffing, stealing blinds, knowing when to trap and when to take it down, determining pot odds that entice them to call or almost force them to fold. And as long as they underestimate my knowledge of the game, I have a distinct advantage. I have no doubt that contributes to my success as a live tournament player. I acknowledge and embrace this fact.

But, several times recently, I’ve been at tables where there is a man who cannot shuffle. Most often it’s because disease has wracked his body. Arthritis. Or a stroke. They are sometimes middle-aged men, but they have their walkers or wheelchairs, and they struggle as they wrestle with the half of their body that no longer works correctly. And I watch them and I think how lucky I am. I’ve never been able to shuffle. But when I push the last of my chips in and walk away from the table, I have my legs. I have walks with my children. I have running. I have games of tag, climb to the top bunk, sand in the toes, run alongside the toddler using training wheels kind of joy. And I watch those men. And they have to ask for help too. But they don’t have lip gloss and a perception of naivety about them. They are just broken men, that also have to swallow their pride to continue to play a game they love. And in the end, it just makes me say, “Thank you God. For giving me the many shortfalls AND skills and blessings that I do have. And also thank you for having those pocket J’s hold up, that was nice too.”

The fine art of potty training.

2011-09-27T14:03:00.001-07:00

Me: “C’mon Sweetheart, you can do it, just sit down and try.”

2-year old: “No.” (translation: oh, you can do better than that)

Me: “C’mon Peanut, potties are for big girls. You’re a big girl aren’t you?”

2-year old: “No.” (translation: I hear ya cluckin' Big Chicken but your pleas are like white noise. Puhh-lease. Enough with the psycho-babble, let’s start talking cold hard rewards here.)

Me: “Angelbaby, If you tinkle in the potty you’ll get a sticker.”

2-year old: “Gimme sticker!” (translation: now we’re talking…)

Me: “You have to go potty first sweety!”

2-year old: “Gimme canny.” (translation: Interesting…I’ll see your sticker and raise you some M&M’s)

Me: “OK, you go potty and you will get a sticker AND some M&M’s!”

2-year old: “Me potty!” (translation: Score! This is way too easy old lady. Your weakness embarrasses me.)

2011-09-23T10:36:00.000-07:00

OK, it’s been a month since my last post. Not so bad really! Life just seems so very busy, it’s hard to find spare time to be at a computer. My kids are at such fun ages, where playing is a 24/7 job! And should I even THINK about sitting down at a keyboard in my spare time… those kids will come at me so fast with “Mommy” pistols a blazin’. I will say, hearing the word “Mommy” come off your child’s list is right up there with the most precious experiences in the world. Hearing the word “Mommy” come out for the 400th time in 3 minutes… well… precious. Precious indeed.

I’ve thought about shutting the ol’ blog down. And I may down the road. I just don’t use it the way I used to. Maybe between my excessive Facebook and Twitter using, my social media tank is just full enough. But, this blog saw me through a lot of times- it’s been up and running over 4 years now- quite a journal of my history! It saw me through grad school, jobs, kids, divorce, dating and now- I’m just happy and content and don’t have much to say I guess. Also, I have quite a dry, sarcastic sense of humor. A lot of the things I used to post about were instances where I was clearly being facetious. But I no longer feel like I have the freedom to write in a public forum like that. So… it takes some of the fun out of it for me.

Be forewarned- I do see the end coming. But as of today, I am here, still blogging, still sharing the images that make my heart go pitter patter.

A girdle and some boots

2011-08-22T15:49:00.000-07:00

Ahem... well... err... apparently I meant NEXT monday!!?? :)

OK, go it's been a busy week, I'll give you that! All of the pent up blogs that I thought would flow so freely, don't have TIME to come out! Life is crazy with two little kids I tell ya!

But in today's news:

My boyfriend came to me and said, "Ummm... I put your girdle on the chair downstairs, I didn't know if I should dry it..." My girdle!!?? Laughing hysterically. Why? I guess, technically, it IS a girdle. It was my Spanx, those lovely shapers that any woman over the age of 30 and/or a mother gets to wear to keep things from drooping too far. But let me tell you, nothing spells ROMANCE like your boyfriend laundering them. And mine are knee length. Yes. Take a moment to picture it.

I had to buy four new tires and THAT was a HUGE bummer. Totally not expecting that and neither was my wallet. It makes those beautiful cowboy boots that I wanted for a WHOLE YEAR and FINALLY splurged on 5 days ago seem a wee bit unnecessary. Oops. But now I can look good while I ride safe on my four new investments.

I took a new job 3 months ago and that has been going well. A definite transition, but going OK. Good to learn new skills, challenge myself to try new things and meet new people. I tend to get stuck in what is known and safe and not take risks in life. So, if for no other reason, I am glad I did it.

The kids are doing GREAT! So funny and sweet! They both start dance this week and I am SURE I will stories to share- particularly from the 2- year old who is all sass and spunk!

I will be back soon, I assure you! Thanks for checking back! All TWO of you! :)

And..... we're on

2011-08-12T12:50:00.000-07:00

Ok Yes, the blog has been neglected. But I think it's coming back online! So for those two of you that may still check in- or random guy from Yugoslavia that Googled Red Vines and got this for a hit- I will be back up and running by Monday! I mean... probably.

Dear DVR,

2011-05-20T07:50:00.001-07:00

Dear DVR,

You have changed my life. I mean it.

Let's start with the kids shows. Now, I might just stab my eyes out if I have to watch another episode of Wizards of Waverly Place or iCarly. BUT- my dear children, they love it. And there are just those times, when as a single mom you need a MINUTE to get something done. Now, I'm not saying I don't LOVE it when my 5-year old follows me around and says, "Mom... hey mom, look what I'm doing with this crumbled piece of paper. Mom, you're not looking. See, let's pretend, MOM, let's pretend it's my report card and MOM you're not looking, let's pretend it's my report card and I'm the teacher and MOM, you're not looking..." and it goes... I DO love them so fiercely. And I DO love playing teacher and playing house and making DIRECT eye contact with them throughout every single interaction. I do. But. I am a mom. And a girlfriend. And a cook and a cleaner and a worker bee, (and I have a weekly People magazine fetish) etc. So, insert iCarly when supper is on the stove and wa-laa!

And then there's the beauty of actually watching a show I enjoy. The top of my list is The Office, Mad Love, American Pickers, Man vs. Food, Castle, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and How I met Your Mother. In my pre DVR life I didn't religiously watch a single show. Why? Because it's IMPOSSIBLE! Most good shows are on between 6 and 8 PM. Well, COINCIDENTALLY, that is the witching hour for small children. They are hungry. And getting tired. And want to play teacher (per above). And need baths and love and affection and everything that kids need. And so watching The Office while maintaining direct eye contact with a 5-year old and holding a 2-year old who is saying "Candy mommy? Candy mommy? Pwease, candy mommy?" is just not conducive.

So DVR- you have changed my life. I can now do the Mother of the Year thing (hey- opinions to yourself!!!) and then tuck my bunnies into their beds and snuggle up and thoroughly enjoy my shows. So for that, I thank you.

2011-05-16T09:21:00.001-07:00

I have nothing to discuss lately.

But I did score some new Shape-Ups this weekend. Super ecstatic to try them out. If I continue to eat Cheez-its and REd Vines will I still get the toned legs like the 19-year old leg model in the Shape-Up ads? Cuz that's kind of the point isn't it? Either way, I'm excited to be wearing them.

And let's see, what else? Took the lovely children to an indoor water park this weekend. The baby pool was too cold, the hot tub was too hot and they really were just excited about buying a Sprite and some candy. Ok, not entirely true! They did enjoy tip toeing around in the water for about 45 minutes. Then we went to the arcade area and they rode go carts and won tickets for cheap trinkets and THEN we ate candy. Oh and I got to go to Shopko, and that is always a WIN in my book!

just for the record...

2011-05-06T07:21:00.000-07:00

I know that most people think my subsciption to People Magazine is a complete waste of money. And that it's a complete waste of time that I need a solid 20 minute window of solace on Friday afternoons to scan those glossy pages and envelope myself in the lives of celebritities and fashion. I do, I get it. It seems... empty? Shallow? Superficial?

But I'll have you know, that it truly pays off.

I was at a baby shower recently. And, in typical baby shower fashion there were some cute games planned. And when the trivia question came up to name all the children in the Jolie-Pitt crew- I nailed it!!!

Yes, it may be a small victory. I'll give you that. But a victory it was none the less. A victory for all of us that indulge in this one particular guilty pleasure every week.

So, just let me read it. Let me stop my life, turn off the phone, curl up on the couch and lose myself in those pages. Because you just never know when I might pull out some stellar celebrity trivia knowledge to save the day. And if you're ever on Who Wants to be a Millionaire and you need to phone a friend regarding celebrity trivia- you'll be glad to know me.

same old...

2011-05-02T07:12:00.000-07:00

I always liked that quote. It's just so darn true. It pertains to sports. It pertains to finances. It pertains to human interactions. It pertains to jobs. We're such creatures of habit. Even when we KNOW we are doing something the same, we expect something different!

It's so tough to break cycles. It's take such an intentional effort that it's so easy to fall back to what we know.

Deep thoughts...

2011-04-29T07:59:00.000-07:00

Thoughts on a Friday:

"Surround yourself with positive people who believe in you and inspire you."

Uncanny resemblance

2011-04-26T07:36:00.000-07:00

I have this thing where I always think someone resembles someone else. Except usually no one else agrees with me. Today's Uncanny Resemblance is Crash Test Dummies lead singer Brad Roberts and actor Javier Bardem. I meabn honestly, of the 6 pictures here, can you tell which man is which in all of them?

Then you have the fact that Javier ALSO resembles Jeffrey Dean Morgan (another actor). But I really don't think Jeffrey Dean and Brad Roberts resemble each other all that much. It could make my head spin if I let it.

Enough voodoo already!

2011-04-20T11:34:00.000-07:00

As my Minnesotan anscestors would say: Ufffta.

Man alive, it's been a long week. I've had one of those weeks where NOTHING seems to have gone right. Discouragement just keeps piling on. I cried twice. OK, three times. Ok, four times, but seriously, that's it. But I'm not a crier. I mean, this week I apparently I am. But not usually. My college roommates used to think something was wrong with me. We'd be watching Steel Magnolia and while they were weeping their eyes out, I'd be rummaging through the fridge looking for a tub of frosting to eat with a spoon. And as they shot me looks of annoyance for interupting their emotional moment, I'd look back at them with a spoon in my mouth and frosting on my cheek and mumble, "What? I worked out this morning..."

My poor boyfriend. Supportive and loving and wonderully sweet. But a boy none the less. His fix is "can't you just stop?"

And actually, he's a wise one, that boy. Because he's right, I just need to stop. I'll freely admit that I'm being a total hypocrit. Because I like to preach about having perspective in life. And not fretting the small stuff and all that, yada, yada. And I also freely admit I don't have it that bad. I have it rather good actually. Wonderful home, exceptionally wonderful children, supportive partner. But...life has just gotten me down. Like somewhere, someone has a little voodoo doll version of me and from a musty little apartment somewhere they are excitedly putting more and more needles into the little rag doll version of me. And then the real life version of me is feeling those needle pricks in the form of disappointments and stresses and lost patience and challenges, etc. Enough with the voodoo already! I'm sorry! Whatever I did to you black magic worshipper from afar, I'M VERY SORRY! Just let me go back to carefree, loving, happy life!

It's embrassing to admit life can get you down. I guess my motive for writing today is to call myself out and say, enough already! You had an unfortunate run (relative scale here, a nuclear plant didn't blow up in my back yard or anything), suck it up, deal with what can be dealt with, let the rest go!

So, as of today I'm officially done crying... (I think). And I'm officially done losing my patience... (probably). And I'm definitely officially done being a drag... (in all likelihood)! I have felt moments in the past year of such pure joy and elation, and I experience moments daily of feeling so blessed. Big moments and small moments and moments that sneak up everyday. When I sold my life-sucking house. When my little girl got so excited because she just used the potty for the first time and she ran around the house with her little round naked buns hanging out of her shirt, high-fiving everyone. When I found out my only sibling didn't have lymphoma. When I came home to a thoughtful gift and card that reinforced that I had the support and love of someone. I just need to spend a little more time right now remembering those things.

So bring it on you random April Wednesday- let's dance!

ridiculous cutenes...

2011-04-18T14:08:00.000-07:00

I mean, I know every parent think their kid is the cutest but I have to say I vote for mine!!! :)

One foot in front of the other

2011-04-14T08:00:00.000-07:00

There's a reason I'm drawn to running. Of course I like the benefit of getting in better shape- that's a no brainer!

But I also like that it's an individual sport. I am constantly competing against myself. My times, my distance, trying to better them. And the more I put into it, the harder I push, the better my results are. It was that way with tennis too. All of the accountability was on me, and that's why I liked it. But even with tennis, there was the variable of my opponent and I couldn't control that. But running is truly about my efforts. It's so black and white, like a mathematical equation. It's not that I don't like working on teams, there are benefits to that and it's certainly more social, but in the end, I like things where my destiny is controlled by my actions.

Life and the people in it are like puzzles. They are so complicated and there's so many things that make them tick. Sometimes it's just too much to think about or try to figure out. I just want the simple, open road. The shin splints and sore muscles and sweat dripping down my back.

Play ball!

2011-04-06T13:43:00.000-07:00

I'm kind of a free spirit. I think this is one of the few traits I get from my father. I remember when I was a kid, if I was with him, we were always on the go. I can barely remember ever just sitting watchin TV or anything. While I am not that extreme, I'll freely admit after a few days of being couped up at home, I get restless. I like to see people, see things and have adventures. It's safe to see this was not a good fit in what I will affectionately call "my former life."

But it is a GREAT fit with my current beau!!! One of the traits I love about him is his easy going nature, and the way he roles with the punches. So we were working in the yard this weekend, all four of us and just soaking in the beautiful weather that Iowa has so stubbornly been keeping from us for months! And on a complete whim we decided wouldn't it be lovely to drive to Kansas City to watch the Royals take on the Angels? My man is a baseball man, and me- well, I love sports, sunshine and stadium nachos, so sure, I can be a baseball girl! And his favorite team is the California (or LA, or Anaheim, or whatever they are called now) Angels.
(Remember last summer when we saw them in St. Louis- wow, what a great time we had! Probably one of the best trips I've ever been on!)

So, back to the story. The weather is lovely, Kansas City is less then 3 hours away from where we live, so we got online, bought 4 tickets, and just like that we were heading to a baseball game!

As per normal, my Grace has nothing but pure exuberence for EVERYTHING! But my sweet Millie had a great time too! She's a bit like her mom: she particularly liked the ballpark food!

And this one wants to BE her mom sometimes! (notice the hat and glasses)

And lastly, for nothing but pure laughs, this face abosultely cracks me up!!

I looks like a character from a show I used to love, Reno 911- he always made this exact same face and had big glasses! You probably don't see the resemblance unless you watch the show!

The name of my blog isn't "Living, laughing, loving" for nothing! No matter how you slice it- I'm a LUCKY girl!!!!

I heart comedies

2011-04-06T07:12:00.000-07:00

I love movies and I particularly love comedies! They are by far my favorite genre of movie. Some of my favorites are Christmas Vacation, The Hangover, Wedding Crashers, and even going old school with Dumb and Dumber. I recently saw Due Date, and I thought it was up there, pretty funny! Let's face it, it's essentailly a modern day Planes, Trains and Automobiles. But it was perfectly cast with Zach Galifianakis and Robert Downey Jr.

Scene from the Grand Canyon...

Peter Highman: I'm tellin' ya, I wouldn't make it up.
Ethan Tremblay: I could have sworn I read it was man made.
Peter Highman: Nope, nope. Not correct. Very old. Formed over time. Grand Canyon. Known fact.
Ethan Tremblay: Peter, I have a photogenic memory...
Peter Highman: Ethan...
Ethan Tremblay: I can recall...
Peter Highman: Ethan, I promise you. It's...It's old, it's the Grand Canyon. It's not the Hoover Dam.
Ethan Tremblay: Well, I know it's not the Hoover Dam. It was build by the pilgrims.
Peter Highman: Also incorrect.

Cheese...

2011-03-29T20:04:00.001-07:00

It's family portrait time. As you can see, this continues to be a futile effort. Exhibit A: Youngest child refuses to put basket down. And when asked to smile decides to make the most un-smiling face that she can. Well played small one.

Exhibit B: So I give up on youngest child, give her a sucker and try to get child B to cooperate for a second. But older child now decides that mere smiling is clearly not the appropriate response for a photograph. She is now a broadway star. Complete with jazz hands. And I am giving her my best, "I'm attempting to restrain you with a faux hug intended to keep you in position" hug. It doesn't work. We look like we're ready to take a ride on Space Mountain.

What I need here is a LITTLE less enthusiasm from big sister, a little more spark from little sister, and we'd have ourselves a nice little family photo. Not. going. To. Happen. So I take control of the camera, photographer that I am, and here's what I get. Not one, but TWO kidlets ready for a fantastic voyage. What ever happened to just saying "cheese???"

hypocrite!

2011-03-29T07:53:00.001-07:00

I've been sustaining myself on Red Vines and Diet Cherry Coke. I know, I know, it seems counterintuitive. Because I'm putting all of this effort into exercise and running this soul-stealing half marathon again in June. I can't explain it. Other than I've been living out of my car for the past month and every gas station in rural Iowa carries these dietary staples. Gone are the days of eating 3-hour old gas station pizza for lunch. No, I've moved on and up in the world, I wouldn't dream of such atrocities. Now I settle for nothing less than artificial red coloring and cherry flavors.

And then I was using Google images to find a picture of Red Vines and I discovered they sell them in bulk- in a huge cannister! And now all I can think about is where do I find this Holy Grail of junk food? I've got to have it! Red Vines at my disposal ALL THE TIME!!?? I could start using them for everyday tasks! This is the most excited I've been since that time I found out those huge muffins from the Walmart bakery were only two weight watcher points! And then I told everyone about it and all my friends were eating them. And then it was discovered that each muffin was three servings... and consequently not just two points... exactly. And suddenly it sort of looked like it was my fault that people weren't losing weight. And the angry masses turned on me. Judas'es. But before all that I was super excited at my stellar find. Anyway, the point is I need a tub o' vines asap.

changes

2011-03-28T07:38:00.000-07:00

More is changing around here than just the seasons!

I feel like I've been swamped lately (hence the absence here), but it's always like that this time of year with my job.

But I've also been busy with some bigger life changes!

As many of you know I moved out of the house I owned over a year ago. Nice though it was, I just couldn't stand the thought of living there. I had changed the locks since the ex had moved out, but I never felt safe. I never felt like I had privacy. So I found a cute little rental house and moved my daughters and I into it. Little did I know it would take 16 months to sell my house and I'd be stuck paying for two houses all that time. But, we battened down the budget and made it work. When my lease came up after a year, I had some careful considerations to make. After much thought and discussion, my boyfriend and I decided to live together. So, I packed the girls up and we moved in with him. It's a scary thing moving in with someone. I guess the only other time I have lived with someone is when I moved in with my husband. We both owned little other than the clothes on our backs, and we purchased a place together. So it's different later in life. I had a house full of stuff. Things that you love, things that you spend years accumulating. And he had a house full of stuff. And now we had to navigate the logistical (and sometimes emotional) part of blending those things. That, and for the first time, I don't own the place I live. And when you've come to rely on only yourself for security and stability- it's tough to go into that situation. Most of my former life got packed into boxes and placed in storage. I guess you can mourn the loss of your old stuff, or you can look at it as a new life and a clean slate. That's the route I've chosen and fast forward 2 months and I'm happy to report that we're all doing well! It seems easier than I remember, living with someone. I would guess that's because the two personalities involved this time are much more compatible. I can admit, I was afraid of change and afraid of moving my two daughters into a new place. But I try to be very aware that I can't have been the only one with fears. Imagine having a house to yourself for most of your life and suddenly having three new faces greeting you every morning! I guess I'm grateful that we both looked past our fears and concerns, otherwise we wouldn't be where we are today!

Second, I puchased a new vehicle! Well, not NEW new, but new to me new! It's basically the first time in my life that I've had the opportunity to go out and get exactly what I want and it felt great! My first car my dad picked, my 2nd car I picked but on a VERY limited 20-year olds budget. My third car and last car (the minivan) my ex had a strong voice in. I researched cars for 6 months- features, reviews and prices. I narrowed it down. I test drove them. And then I walked into a dealership, by myself, and negotiated and purchased it. And I can only say, be still my heart... I am smitten! It's a 2008 Nissan Pathfinder. It's comfortable, it has some wonderful features that are just spoiling me, and it's pretty!

Tis the season for change I guess! Maybe I better research some new hair colors!

My loves

2011-03-22T12:50:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you look at your child and it can just take your breath away. Something about their expression or their voice or even just one little feature- the shape of their hand or the crook of their smile- can look so eerily familiar! My precious girls are very different from one another. Grace is outgoing and dramatic and princess and glitter and glamorous! She's creative and smart as a whip. She's a leader and she hates to disappoint people! She's emotional and can have the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. Millie is different. She's sweet and funny. She has an earnest way about her. She's typically soft spoken and loving. She's tough and physical. And stubborn. But loving and loyal. And she often has a somber expression, like she's just absorbing life around her, taking it all in, but doesn't have much to say about it for now. There are little things about each of them that remind me of me. Sometimes when Grace is so excited about the littelest thing and talking on and on about it- I can remember being that way! And sometimes when Millie is laying her silky hair on my shoulder and looking so sweet and somber, I feel like I am looking at a time warped picture of me when I was that age!

Here's my Grace, always writing, drawing, coloring or doing her "homework" as she says.

And here's my Millie. Wearing her shades and dancing- like listening to Beyonce' and groovin is the most serious business in the world. She has no interest in drawing in the car, she'd rather look out the window or just put her shades on and chill.

Funny funny funny kids! I love them so!

A little about love

2011-03-03T08:44:00.000-08:00

Today I'm talking about love. For no other reason than I heard this old song again yesterday and I love it!!!

Here are the lyrics, and you know my favorite part is where he says, "Standing by her man even when he's wrong." To me, this just screams love. When you have someone that stands by you, has your back, EVEN when you're being stubborn, or wrong or foolish- that's love. That's trust and staying power. There's no story behind this post today- just deep thoughts and a good tune on Thursday! :)

My baby knows me better than I do
Funny how a woman has that over a man
I can do anything with her beside me
Leaning on her is where I make my stand

Chorus

Where would we be without the love of a woman
Standing behind her man even when he's wrong
The true pure undying love of a woman
Makes a man a fool to think he can make it alone.

Verse 2

My daddy was a wild one when he was younger
Everybody told my mam he'd be hard to tame
Full of himself, he said sir to nobody
But you outta see him come runnin' when mama calls his name

Repeat Chorus
Whoa ya

Verse 3

A man goes crazy trying to catch his feelings
Too much pride and maybe the words come out wrong
But that's ok cause he's still her hero
Steady as a rock her love keeps rolling along

Repeat Chorus

Makes a man a fool to think he can make it alone
hmmmmmmm

just a photo

2011-03-01T14:23:00.000-08:00

I love these two little stinkers so much!!!

Wednesday

2011-02-16T12:29:00.000-08:00

Dear Crappy Wednesday- Kudos to your extreme efforts to ruin my day. You have been a worthy opponent indeed. Alas, you cannot bring me down! It is too warm, and closer to Friday than Monday, and as far as I know there are no imminent meteors heading toward earth. Oh, and I am cooking out tonight and I have Laffy Taffy at my disposable. And I am going to listen to happy little tunes and b-bop throughout my day. Carry on...

Something good this way comes...

2011-02-14T07:25:00.001-08:00

Good things are happening! What a great weekend. First- I sold my house! It's been for sale for 16 months, sitting vacant most of that time. My ex husband and I had both moved out and moved on. It's a beautiful home, and I'm sure neither of us anticipated it would take THIS long to sell.

We have three weeks until the official closing and I just pray everything goes as planned. I already feel like a such a weight has been lifted! You know what I'm honestly most excited about as far as having a little more money in my pocket- spring shopping! Since I lost so much weight right around the time I moved out, I am pretty bare bones on clothes that actually fit! I'm excited to take a weekend and buy some clothes- work clothes and casual clothes, and of course some new heels! I feel like I should take a trip to a neighboring city, like Kansas City to get the job done! Don't get me wrong, I'll always be frugal at heart, I can hardly spend more than $20 on any one item, but still, just having some new things to wear will be such a blessing!

I also need some new wheels! My van is getting high in miles and has a lot of little things wrong with it. So, picking out a new ride will be on the top of my summer list. Otherwise, I don't have much else to spend money on. I don't have a house of my own to improve or decorate or anything. I don't need more stuff, and neither do my kids. My main goals are to build my savings and take more vacations! I already have two weekend trips planned for the year, but I'd like to find somewhere really fun and cool to take my kids this year. Any ideas?

The weather was also warm and beautiful this weekend- our first glimpses of spring! I did a lot of spring cleaning and organizing, so that felt good to get some big things taken care of. I also had a lovely dinner out and got some very thoughtful gift coupons. Can't wait to redeem some of those!

I also signed up for a Des Moines tennis league. I'm so excited to get back into playing this year! If the courts wouldn't have had melting snow all over them I would have found a way to play this weekend! I'm guessing it won't be long!

I leave you with a relaxing Monday tune, Something Good this Way Comes.

I am SO ready...

2011-02-07T14:18:00.000-08:00

Nestled in my closet is my arsenal of high heels. They are lying in wait- for those first warm days where I can say SCREW YOU to my socks and winter boots (high heeled winter boots though they are). I am just a high-heeld wearing girl. My feet are freshly pedicured. Premature you say? Maybe. But I have confidence that in the next... 4-6 weeks I will find a day warm enough to bare those toes! My arches may ache a little, and my lower back might even give me that moan of discomfort- but my soul will feel content! ;)

30 thruths

2011-02-04T08:11:00.000-08:00

Saw this little exercise on a few blogs, thoughts, meh, why not. It's kind of egotistical to think any readers care about that silly little answers I have- so feel free to skip over this blog entirely! :) There's a godo tune in the post below!

1)Something you hate about yourself: Just one??? OK, my nose
2)Something you love about yourself: Ummm... that's tough... being tall I guess?
3)Something you have to forgive yourself for: wow, question #3 and I'm already thinking this was a bad idea, I should have read them all first... :) OK, for not being very successful. Seems like by 30 I should have accomplished more.
4)Something you have to forgive someone for: I try to not hold on to resentments and anger so I don't have to live with regrets, so my forgiveness usually flows pretty easily. There is one person very close to me that has been very hurtful. No sense in getting in to details, but I wish I could let it go and I guess I'm just not quite ready.
5)Something you hope to do in your life: I hope to do a LOT of things! Live happy and healthy, see my children grow and be successful, take a cruise, have grandchildren, go to Italy, feel loved, see the ocean, make a positive difference- I could go on and on!
6)Something you hope you never have to do: easy, bury a child.
7)Someone who has made your life worth living for: my mom. She might be the single person in my 32 years on this planet who has loved me unconditionally and I try to learn from her and be a great mother as well.
8)Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit: I think we can all fill in our own blanks here... ;)
9)Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted: my friend Holly from college
10)Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know: If I need to let someone go, I let them go. There's no one!
11)Something people seem to compliment you the most on: hmmmm, don't get a lot of those anymore!? Seems like 16 year old girls compliment my hair on occasions, lol.
12)Something you never get compliments on: my rocking abs...
13)A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days: hands down, Abba. They never fail to deliver!
14)A hero that has let you down: we don't need to dwell on let downs. I'm going to change it to a hero. And I already said my mom, so my brother. He's everything I wish I could be: successful, charastimatic, funny, smart, athletic, great husband, father, friend and he's always positive. He sees the best in everyone.
15)Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it: At this stage of my life, caffeine.
16)Someone or something you definitely could live without: I COULD live without soda. I didn't drink it for 11 years and now I don't drink it too often. I'm certain I could give it up if I had to.
17)A book you’ve read that changed your views on something: I loved the Red Tent. I was a religion major in college and that book gave me a bigger interest, even a love, of the old testament.
18) Your views on gay marriage: I think people should be able to commit and love another person.
19)What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?: Well, let's see, I'm a Christian, I think religion is interesting and does a lot of good. And politics, I'm very moderate in my views, have voted on both sides of the fence in the past 12 years. And I'm quite cynical on the public message we receive regarding politics.
20)Your views on drugs and alcohol: I guess if it's legal, use in moderation if you want to, if it's not, don't use it at all.
21)Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?: I would hope not to leave things bad with a best friend. I'd of course go to her side, pray and support her family.
22)Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life: Gotten married so young
23)Something you wish you had done in your life: gotten a PhD.
24)Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter): Friday I'm in Love, Karma Chameleon, Centerfold, Take on Me, Come on Eileen, Jessie's Girl, 867-5309, I Touch Myself.
There you have it, some classic 80's songs, they are great for lifting anyone's mood!
25)The reason you believe you’re still alive today: God's Grace.
26)Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?: About 10 years ago. I was newly married, and I could tell it wasn't going to be all glitter and cuddles and chocolate hearts. I was alone a lot and dealing with seeing the darker side of someone. I had just started my job and frankly, I hated it and was miserable. My best friend had just moved across the country. I felt really unhappy and alone and like I was facing a very uphill battle. The outlook felt so bleak. I don't think I ever would have truly "given up" because I would never have wanted to hurt my friends and family. But emotionally, I was very defeated. It's the only time in my life I remember feeling like giving up.
27)What’s the best thing going for you right now?: My two precious, funny, smart, beautiful kids. If they are the only contribution I make to this world, then at least it was a great one.
28)What if you were pregnant, what would you do?: Wow... cry? Pray! Like #27 says, my kids are my everything. That being said, facing the prospect of adding another baby to the mix right now in life would be OVERWHELMING- to say the least!
29)Something you hope to change about yourself. And why: I wish I was better at reaching out to people. I wish I was more like my heros.
30)A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself: Let's save that one for another day! ;)

I know it takes a few minutes, but I'd love to hear your answers!

Now usually I don't do this but...

2011-02-04T06:39:00.000-08:00

Here's an old school weekend song.
"It's the freakin' weekend."
Nuff said.

And BOY- am I ready for the weekend! Seeing family, watching Superbowl and if I'm lucky, will have a snuggly little baby to hold soon! And we all know how fun it is to snuggle a beautiful little baby... especially when it's not your own and you actually got 8 hours of sleep!

My soul mates...

2011-02-03T11:05:00.000-08:00

I love these two girls. We got together last weekend and I swear, I couldn't have better friends. I love the candid conversations we have. I love that we can give honest opinions and ideas- and yet I love that we seem to know when to back off and just be supportive. I love how we laugh! I love that we know what each other's reactions are going to be. I love that we each bring very different personality traits to the friendship- and we seem to all complement one another. Sometimes it seems like we can't come to a consensus on the most basic decisions- and yet when it comes to important things it seems like we always come together.

They know me better than anyone- and they seem to love me for who I am. And as I journey on this crazy thing we call life, I can say that it seems like people like that are far and few and they are gems.

Tunes for a Tuesday

2011-02-01T09:17:00.000-08:00

I NEED sunshine! I need water. Sun. Heat. Great song, cute and funny video!

Oh how I love thee...

2011-02-01T06:44:00.000-08:00

Over a year ago I lost 40 pounds. I figured my days of having babies were over, I was getting divorced, and I all in all I was just ready to feel happy and healthy. And I've kept every pound off.

I would say I'm pretty diligent about watching what I eat. Most times I try to make good choices. And maybe 1-2 times a week I indulge. It seems to work for me. I have a 4 pound window I stay within. At the top of the window means more diligence that week. And the bottom of the window means I'm feeling extra carefree and I'm going to try to talk someone into going out to eat and you just better hope you're not in my cross hairs!

All that aside- I still have weaknesses. And one of them is looming on the horizon...

the dreaded Girl Scout Cookie...

I know, I know- it seems harmless enough. A sweet little girl with pigtails it just trying to raise money. And so I oblige. And I set the box on the counter. And I walk away. But THEN... my mouth starts to water... And I stare at the box. And I can't concentrate. And I think to myself, "OK, you can have one, why else would you buy a box if you're not going to eat one?" But here's the real problem. It's never just one. Oh no. It's so chocolately, and flaky and coconutty. And I quick grab another one. And pretty soon I'm not even chewing, I'm just popping a whole cookie in my mouth! And then... I've eaten a row. A whole row. And then I tell myself, "that's not so bad is it?" A serving size probably is a row, right? So, I've really only eaten ONE serving size. And THAT wouldn't even be so bad... but then I figure who only eats ONE serving size and stops there?

And the rest is history. Dang you Samoas. And pig-tailed fundraising cuties.

What's your favorite? I can also do some serious damage to Thin Mints!

realizations

2011-01-31T07:20:00.000-08:00

Last year I ran the Dam to Dam, a 20K race. And for me, it was a big deal. I'm not a "runner" type, so to run 12 and a half miles was monumental. And I had a lot of people say, "Why are you doing it then? That sounds miserable..." And the day I ran it- truthfully, it WAS kind of miserable. But here's the reason why I ran it: I committed to running that race shortly after I filed for divorce. And I guess in a way it was my way of saying, "I'm different now. I might have been weak in some ways, but now I'm strong enough to do things I couldn't do before." And maybe that means forcing my body to do things physically it couldn't do before, and maybe it means having the strength to leave a really bad situation.

I guess as I've gone through this journey I've realized a few things. There's a reason I've had to pull myself up, prove myself. Because I was in a bad situation- and living in it daily, it was really hard to see that.

I heard one of my new favorite songs on the radio the other day, Jar of Hearts. And as I listened to the lyrics, I realized why it struck such a chord with me. It's about someone in a bad situation. It doesn't specify, and it doesn't have to. It could refer to a physically abusive relationship, or just an emotionally abusive one. And there's one part in particular, where she talks about having lived "half a life." When you are in a situation like that, your true self gets sucked away. You forget how to be YOU. And how once you finally get the strength to get out, the person may go to great lengths to bring you down again. And in the song, the Independence and strength win out. And that is why I love it. She says, "It took so long just to feel alright, remember how to put back the light in my eyes." And one of my very best friends said those very words to me a year ago- that I finally had a light back in my eyes.

I posted this song last week. But if you didn't listen to it before, take a listen, it's beautiful. And here are the lyrics. And if you hear me complaining about the long miles I'll be running to train for that awful run again- do me a favor and just say "keep it up." Because I'm doing it. I'm doing it for as many years as I am physically able- as a constant reminder that I'll never lose myself- for anyone, or anything- ever again.

LYRICS: Jar of Hearts, Christina Perri
I know I can’t take one more step towards you
cause all that's waiting is regret
don’t you know I’m not your ghost anymore
you lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live, half alive
and now you want me one more time

Who do you think you are?
runnin’ ’round leaving scars
collecting your jar of hearts
tearing love apart
you’re gonna catch a cold
from the ice inside your soul
don’t come back for me
who do you think you are?

I hear you’re asking all around
if i am anywhere to be found
but I have grown too strong
to ever fall back in your arms

I've learned to live, half alive
and now you want me one more time

Who do you think you are?
runnin’ ’round leaving scars
collecting a jar of hearts
and tearing love apart
you’re gonna catch a cold
from the ice inside your soul
don’t come back for me
who do you think you are?

It took so long just to feel alright
remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish i had missed the first time that we kissed
cause you broke all your promises
and now you’re back
you don’t get to get me back

Who do you think you are?
running around leaving scars
collecting a jar of hearts
and tearing love apart
you’re gonna catch a cold
from the ice inside your soul
so don’t come back for me
don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?

Friday fun!

2011-01-28T07:43:00.000-08:00

I think I'm probably too old to love this crap... but I do.

Get to see my two best friends tonight! And there's just something about those girlfriends that you've known forever- you can let your guard down 100% and just be yourself. I don't know if we'll laugh or cry or laugh so hard that we cry! But I know it will "fill my tank" until the next time!

romance

2011-01-26T11:43:00.000-08:00

My loyal readers (ahem... all 2 of you) know that I am a long time fan of the show Sex and the City. So if I'm flipping channels and I stumble across it, you can bet I am going to inadvertently stop and catch up with my four TV besties! I've seen every episode (multiple times), but I still love it and have to watch the action unfold!

As I was channel surfing this week I came across an episode where Carrie ponders ROMANCE. And I recently had a talk with a close friend about romance and relationships. And with February and Cupid and all things lovey, dovey, and big chocolate hearts, just around the corner it got me wondering... as you go through life, what do you classify as romantic? And how do some people seem to so effortlessly maintain romance- through decades even?

I've found the definition of romance varies greatly amonst my circle of friends! After my divorce I read the book The Five Love Languages, and it reiterated as much. The gist was that each person has 1-2 "languages" (or things that they most appreciate and respond to). They are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. And a common pitfall amonst relationships is that we never learn our partners language, but try to force on them the things that we ourselves most appreciate, when that thing might not mean much to them at all. I will say it was a great read! After reading the book and even taking the "quiz" at the end, it became pretty apparent to me what my languages are.

Let's face it, I'd take all five or any of the five at any time! But if I HAD to rank, I think my list would go something like this: 1) Words of affirmation (who DOESN'T want to hear that they are a lovely, smart, irresistable creature!), 2) physical touch, 3) quality time, 4) acts of service, 5) receiving gifts.

So I guess what I'm saying is if I had a tropical get away (language 3 and 5), with a loving massage (2 and 4) and was showered with sweet nothings (1)- I'd be a happy girl! In the mean time I'll keep enjoying the things that come my way.

What are your more romantic moments or your "love language?"

wacky kid...

2011-01-24T08:43:00.000-08:00

We go to Des Moines a lot, so that means we have lots of interesting "car talk", my two little monkeys and I. Well, recently, the monkey were being APES! Whiny, ornery, loud... all of the things you don't really want in the car! Finally I said- a bit firmly- to my 5 year old:

Me: "Listen! I am very disappointed! You've been whiny and rude this whole car ride! You keep yelling at me, you're not being respectful and you're unappreciative! You've asked for music and your book and your laptop and a juice and chips and crackers and cookies and you're not sharing with your sister and you're both not using your inside voices!"

I said this all in the big one-breath dramatic kind of way that only mothers can do. Because 95% of the time the mommy filter works effectively, where we can just cancel out the white noise of ornery kids in the car. But in the 5% of time wehre I cannot- you get the dramatic, run-on sentence mommy lashing.

She looks at me in the rearview mirror and rather indignantly in a somewhat disgusted voice responds:

"I never asked for crackers..."

And you know what, she's right. Touche' Sassy, you did NOT ask for crackers. Carry on...

Just because I like it

2011-01-20T11:20:00.001-08:00

I'm gonna say this just once...

2011-01-17T11:25:00.000-08:00

I used to say I didn't hate my ex husband. That it took to much energy to hate someone and that he was somehow winning if I gave in to hate.

But the simple truth is that I do. I do hate him and everything he stands for. I hate that he continually hurts my kids and I. I hate that he is so full of anger and hate that he lashes out constantly. That he wants to hurt me so bad- emotionally and financially that he goes to great lengths, EVEN if it hurts him also. I hate that he is so void of compassion. I hate that I ever let him into my life.

He refuses to communicate about our kids. He won't sign important documents. He won't cooperate on selling our house. He won't stop swearing and harassing me. He won't stop showing up where I am or where he thinks I'll be. He won't stop making accusations. But aside from all of those logistical issues, the bottom line is that he is just a monster. And that really is the best word I can come up with. He's treats people awful and in his heart, he is a monster.

I thought once you divorced someone you could move on. But it's not always quite that easy. Attorney's are involved once again. I have no doubt he'll once again be found guilty. We have laws and protections for a reason and eventually, even I (he used to call me a spineless pushover on everything) cave in and exercise those rights.

I'm not spineless and I never have been. I'm forgiving and I want to keep the peace. But there's a breaking point and I've been pushed too far. I'm so sick of the constant disrespect, anger and all out harassment. I'm so sick of the constant hurdles he puts in my path on purpose to make my life harder. I just want my life back. I want all ties with him severed. I want a happy, peaceful life and I shouldn't- a year and a half later- have to pay my attorney thousands of dollars to give me that. But today I do have to.

And like I have said before I'm sickened at our justice system. If you can't afford to pay an attorney thousands of dollars you have no rights. Or as my attorney says, you have rights, you just can't exercise them. I guess that makes me grateful. No doubt, I'd rather save what money I do have. I'd rather spend it on my kids, give them a more secure and comfortable life, take them on a vacation, do something fun, decorate a room- just about anything other than giving it away to someone to protect me against senseless harassment. It's not a choice I want to make- but I guess at least today I'm in a position to even have a choice.

I just don't know???

2011-01-17T06:53:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling another hair crisis coming on. OK, maybe not FULL on crisis, I mean, let's face it, there's no blue in it or anything...

Maybe crossroads is a better word. I think I need to pick brown or blonde. Right now I'm somewhere in between- meaning, like half and half. Half is blonde, half is brown.

And it's fine I guess. But I'm thinking for right now, one color might suit me better. So, that's the question at hand. I spent the first 30 years of my life being just blonde. The past two years I've had a lot of fun coloring it and mixing up the combinations with lots of darks. So, go back to my "roots" for a while and see what blonde looks like? It's a little damaging to my hair to get there. OR, embrace the new darker me and go dark brown (which is healthier and easier to do)?

I need input here!!!
Dark hair:

And I have'nt had in blonde in quite some time so it's hard to find a decent photo (maybe that's my answer right now- if in my whole library of photos I can't find a decent one with blonde hair!?)

Field Trip

2011-01-14T07:40:00.000-08:00

Today is my baby girls first kindergarten field trip. I feel like a nervous wreck! It's supposed to be fun, right!? But as her mommy, all I can think is that I am letting someone else, someone I don't even know, drive her somewhere. She'll be in a city and there will be traffic and strangers and all things unknown!

I had a talk with her this morning. I tried to keep it light and exciting but I had to weave in "and you know if a stranger talks to you, you scream for your teacher, right? And you know to follow directions? And you know not to go anywhere by yourself, even to the bathroom? And you know you always look for cars, both ways? And you know not to do something one of your classmates is doing if you know it is wrong? And you now to always sit down on the bus?" I mean, she's never even been on a bus before! She took it all in then said, "Mommy... did you get lost on a field trip when you were little?" I could tell she was getting too serious, as she often does, so I backed off and told her all of the fun things she would do and see and how I LOVED field trips!

I know I need to relax. I know all the colors and sights and sounds will all be so intersting and great for her to experience- in a setting where I am not right there holding her hand. And she was so excited when I dropped her off at school today. She had her special lunch packed and she ran all the way to the school doors- a tiny little person, bag pack weighing her down, scarf and mittens and hat enveloping the last of her little baby face.

But still... it's so hard to let go and to trust that this big world will be safe and good to my little girl.

Back to work!

2011-01-03T06:34:00.000-08:00

After 12 days off- today is the first day back to work! I'm holding up ok- especially with this little guy:

What is that you ask? One of my Christmas presents, a travel coffee mug that plugs into the USB port on my laptop to keep my drink eternally hot! I know, score one for Santa!

I had a very nice (and needed) break! I spent time with my closest family, went sledding with my kids, saw my best friends, went to a movie, travelled to see loved ones, and did some home improvement projects.

And now it's 2011. Another new year. And it's as good a time as any to take stock of where I'm at in life and what I need to change. So what am I trying to improve in my life? I'd like to read more to my kids. I'd like to eat better- and not just in a to lose weight kind of way, but in a serious attempt to put as many antioxidants into my body (and the little bodies of my kids) so we can do as much as possible to fight off the evil diseases of the world. I'll continue to run, maybe 2-3 races a year. Of course, I'd love to get my house sold (yep, the one that's been on the market since pre-divorce... same one). Not a lot I can do to control that one, but I can still hope and wish it will happen soon! A remarkable weight would be lifted off of my shoulders if and when that happens! I'd like to see my best friends and family more often! I always enjoy their company so much, it's terrible to let being busy be an excuse to not get together! I have some amazing people in my life- people who are kind and funny and who never let me down. That makes me the luckiest girl in the world!

it's the little things

2010-12-21T06:48:00.000-08:00

It's jeans day at work. And I am disproportionately happy about it.

I have a love for my jeans. Some of you may remember this post: http://gostorm.blogspot.com/2008/09/lonely-heart.html

written at a time when I was LONGING to wear them.

I am happy to report that not only is it jeans day today. But that pair I used to love so much from that old blog post... they are way too big today! The only sad part is that I longer have a "go to" pair. That perfect pair that goes with you everywhere. But I'm a fighter. I will conquer every mall in my path until I someday find the new perfect pair.

Results

2010-12-10T11:00:00.000-08:00

A few of you have asked about my brother and knew he was getting his biopsy results today. I got the call a little while ago. I was prepared for anything and I told myself I was mentally ready and I wasn’t going to breakdown, regardless of the news. But that wasn’t true. Because I did break down. I did stop and just cry for a second as I listened to him tell me the news. Because the tumor is benign. It’s not cancer. I can’t believe it, and I know he couldn’t either. He said even the doctor was shocked and baffled with the turn of events.

Right now, they don’t know what it is. The doctor thinks a rare virus that is attacking his lymphatic system (hence the spots on both sides of the neck and now the chest- where there are lymph nodes). He’ll be seeing a specialist to try to get it diagnosed and treated. I’ve never had any doubt he can fight illness. I just didn’t want that fight to be for his life. But in the grand scheme of things, we obviously feel like we’ve won the lottery. Because for the time being we are done talking about stages and types and growth rates and treatments. Thank you for your support and prayers! For whatever reason, we’ve been spared this hardship right now and it’s nothing short of a miracle!

Today all I can say is God is good. And we are blessed. And we'll all sleep sounder tonight, pray harder and hold our loved ones closer.

Waiting...

2010-12-09T11:01:00.000-08:00

Five times I've written about cancer on this blog. Never because someone had it. But simply because I feared it. Because it's random and awful and prevalent. It's unfair and mysterious. And it's sneaky and swift. And it's undiscriminating. Because I hate it. Four months ago I wrote these words: "I hate cancer. I feel like cancer either has taken- or will take- everyone in this world that I care about. When I pray at night, I literally thank God that another day went by that no one got in a car accident, and no one got cancer. I want to make sure He knows, that I don't take that for granted. I try to fully appreciate each happy moment, each warm touch, each day with my loved ones."

And 10 times I've blogged about being thankful. Thankful first and foremost for the health of my loved ones. I have a saying I love, and I even have it on my living room wall. "Never take health, happiness or love for granted." And I guess deep down I thought maybe in God's big ledger book he'd be keeping tabs. He'd see that I wasn't taking it for granted that my family was healthy. And maybe I'd get some "brownie points" for being thankful. Sort of like, "Hey, I can pass her by when I'm handing out hardships today, she's clearly already very grateful for the blessings in her life. No lessons to force upon her today." And on he'd move... to someone else.

I may have been a religion major in college, but even I know there's not a lot of sound theology in that argument. But it has suited me fairly well so far in life, so I just kept on. Kept on praying, kept on being thankful. Kept on saying, "see, I'm still grateful down here, no need to pay me any attention."

And now there's a big hole in my theory. It was a year ago that I wrote this:
"1) Health. My friends and family have come through another year. It was about a year ago my mom was in the hospital with emergency surgery. I knew with every fiber of my being they were doing to find some large tumor or tell us she had progressed cancer. In the end, she didn't and she is fully recovered now. But it's a reminder, that in the blink of an eye lives changes. Sickness comes. A diagnosis can change everything. I am so thankful that unlike thousands of other people in the world today, I am not bent over a hospital bed, praying for a miracle today."

And it was three months ago that I wrote this: "Life is short and it's precious. And the fact is, it's fragile and it can be ripped away in a heartbeat. Take a minute to take stock of your relationships and enjoy all the good that the people in your life have to offer!"

And despite my wacky theories, hardships do come. They have come. I guess you can't hide forever.

And right now we wait. We wait until tomorrow to see if this swift, sneaky enemy is going to come into our lives. The wait is awful. But I guess it could be a blessing too. We have 24 more hours to pretend that things are as they always have been.

Life is short. Eat dessert first.

2010-12-08T06:57:00.001-08:00

It's the little things that make me so thankful.

Today I was blessed with a birthday morning surprise: a piece of triple layer chocolate torte cake. Wow. And it was so thoughtful, it just warmed my heart. It was just one of those gestures that shows someone knows you, and more importantly, wants to make you smile. And it certainly did.

And that's saying something because I don't feel like smiling today. My only sibling is lying in a hospital having a surgical biopsy to determine the shape his life will take.

So having that slice of chocolate heaven given to me this morning was more than just an outrageously sinful but wonderful breakfast. It was a reminder that there are things and people to still smile about.

I've sprung a leak...

2010-12-02T13:03:00.000-08:00

I would say all in all in life, my threshold for dealing with tough things is pretty high. Like anyone, things can get me a little crabby or a give me concern. I worry and I pray, but all in all, I think I don't invite drama into my life. I went through an awful divorce (emphasis on the AWFUL)- fairly unscathed. I've been financially put through the ringer after the costly divorce and paying for two houses for over a year- it's not always easy but I keep it in perspective. It's just money. And someday I'll have more of it and I'll probably buy more things, but really, it's not life altering.

But once in awhile something comes along that rocks your world. Something that in terms of "perspective," is truly about as bad as it gets.

And all I can say is I guess in really hard situations, with the very most important things at stake, I'm really not all that tough. Case in point: I was at the gym yesterday. And tears leaked down my face as I was using the leg press. I mean- the LEG PRESS! One second I'm focusing on just finishing a set and the next second my mascara is smearing.

That's the funny thing. The weight of worry can just overwelm me at any second. And I guess that's why I'm writing this. This is my official warning: I have sprung a leak. And I very well might do it in front of you. And then I'll wipe my tears away and I'll go back to lifting weights and you can pretend you didn't see a thing. And I would say for awhile, that's just how things are going to be.

One more set!!

2010-11-24T11:45:00.000-08:00

I finally started working with a trainer. I mean yes, there are days, like the day before a holiday where you just need to buy a bag of Ruffles (*Reduced Fat Ruffles people!) to have at lunch. But, all in all, I'd say we're off to a good start. Been doing some lifting, really the first time since college. And mixing in some cardio, which I had pretty much written off after the Dam to Dam kicked my butt in May. I've been sore in places I didn't know could be sore!

I've gotten familiar with an "exercise ball." Which I'll be real honest, I didn't have the first clue what to do with it before. My friend had one once and I just sat on it and bounced around like I've seen 1st graders do in PE. I've been trying to make better choices with eating too. Like not eating Cheez-its for breakfast. Apparently my nutrition is "grossly outrageous." Well excuse me for liking a little empty-calorie, artificial-cheesed, sodium-infused, refined-carb fix in my life. I'm just a girl... after all.

Wish me and my love handles luck as we navigate the holiday weekend!

touching base

2010-11-22T06:53:00.000-08:00

It's been a busy month and I haven't had the chance to blog much. Just wanted to pop in, tell everyone things are going well!

Had my little girl's 2nd birthday, been doing some Christmas shopping, took a little one day vacation to Minneapolis, and been working on some home improvment projects.

Trying to get into the Christmas spirit. Ever since moving, I will say it's a little harder. I used to go all out, decorate every room, host a big cookie bake, put trees up everywhere, string lights outside, hang stockings on the huge mantle. I'm lucky to have a nice rental home to live in, I do know that, but that's exactly what it is: a rental. Everything feels borrowed. Temporary. It's hard to take much pride in it. I can't make it my own. I have a FRACTION of the space I used to have, which 99% of the time doesn't bother me in the least, but maybe with the holidays, I kind of miss being able to "do it up." I miss lighting candles in the fireplace and hanging the stockings. I miss having so much space that I could set up a train clear around the tree. I miss having little trees in different rooms. I miss hanging the ornaments from the chandelier.

But... I do have a place to live and I do have room for one tree, so that's what I'll do. I guess I always wanted a banister to decorate, so there ya go. There's always a positive. Generally, I like where we live. Where my old house was big... cavernous really, this is small and cozy.

Birthday bliss...

2010-11-03T09:18:00.000-07:00

When my beloved baby turned 5 recently, she once again wanted a "princess party." Well guess what, I'm SICK of princess stuff already! Enough with the glitter and pink! It's funny how these things go. When my mom wanted a girly girl, what she got with me was a little girl that loved sports and dirt and playing outside and riding bikes and HATED dresses! And as life goes, what do I have, but a little girl that LOVES dresses and sparkles and makeup and all things pink and puffy and frilly! I guess it's like God's big ledger book. My accounting classes taught me that everything in both columns has to add up in the end. So, all those dirty-faced, sports playing little girls, need to even out all those glitter-wearing, lip-gloss toting little girls... or else earth will spin off it's axis. Someething like that. And so it goes, I get to have a princess party.

So, I decided being the Betty Crocker that I am (keep your differing opinions to yourself...) we'd go with a castle cake. That could be fun and satisfy both of us.

And so I turned to the one place where you can learn about anything. Google. I researched and I asked friends and I got an idea of what I wanted to do. And I even drew a blueprint! So organized you say! Well, that was about the last thing that went according to plan. Stupid blueprint.

Some of you may say, "Now... being a busy working mom and not exactly experienced in the ways of cakemaking, why didn't you just buy a cake?"

Valid question. I (naively) thought making the cake would be cheaper. And I want to make my kids birthdays special, something to remember, just the way my birthdays were growing up. Last fall in the midst of my life turmoil, changes, what have you, I felt like I failed on my kids' birthdays. One of them got a cake I purchased and grandma made the other one. And now that I'm squarely on track and settled, I feel like I need to make it up to them and make sure they know that I will do anything I can to make them feel special on their day!

Exhibit A: The start of the job. I mean, the sheer VOLUME of tools and ingredients and planning needed for ths project... it was mind blowing. I bow to cake ladies who willingly do this for other people for like $50.

Soon, EVERY single pan in the house was dirty. Yes, that seems hard to believe. But it turns out, when you don't know what you're doing, you're going to have some "practice" cakes born in the process. Seriously, every good chef has to throw away 6 cakes every time they created something new... everyone knows that...

And finally. Castle cake: you were a worthy opponent. 10 cakes mixes. 3 emergency trips to the store. 4 phone a friends. More money spent than I will ever admit to. But the smile on my sweet girl's face was SOOOO worth every bit!

And I can't wait to begin work on Millie's cake next week!

Fall fun!!!

2010-11-01T08:20:00.000-07:00

We had a great Halloween! This first picture has to be my favorite- only because you have to realize just how hard it was to convince this stubborn child to put this hat on!!! This shot was worth it though! My baby girl was a Garden Gnone (hee hee!) and my big girl was Hannah Montana!

We also recenlty had a fun day at the pumpkin patch. It was unseasonably warm, so we shook off our sweaters and brought out the summer dresses!

Last, here's a few pictures of our adult Halloween party! We brought a little Augusta National to Des Moines!

Here's our best attempt to "read the greens!" It was a great and comfortable costume for both of us! Great idea by my "caddie!" I'm particularly fond of my pink putter, it might have to make it's debut on the course next spring!

Tunes for a Tuesday

2010-10-26T06:31:00.001-07:00

Also, lest there's any question why I love fall, just look at it. That looks like God's canvas- a real masterpiece, nothing less.

Monday.

2010-10-25T08:28:00.000-07:00

A little discouraged today. Nothing that a cup of a coffee and mass influx of Reese's Peanut Cups won't help with I imagine.

But, I try to remind myself there's always so much to be thankful for. And one thing to be thankful for today is, at least I'm not this person:

Have a good Monday. I'm going to take a bath. In chocolate and peanut butter. And I don't mean in a kinky way. Just in the average person bathing in food kind of way.

Remember

2010-10-15T12:52:00.000-07:00

"An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth.
Then whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth".

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. 6 years ago I lost my first baby. I will never forget the day I saw those two pink lines for the first time, few things in life can equal that elation. I was ecstatic; excitedly looking at onesies and all things tiny and baby. I bought the baby books and I started the countdown to parenthood. I made plans, I looked at nursery stuff, I thought about how I'd make the big reveal! I dreamed big dreams and couldn't wait to hold my unborn baby.

And then one day she was gone. I don't really know it was a girl, I just always had a gut feeling. Some things were physically happening and I had a bad feeling about it. I went to the hospital and she was gone- just like that. I remember the phone call, the big reveal. I called my mom and all I could say through tears was, "I'm pregnant... but it's not going to work out." Any words more concrete than that felt too real. Too permanent. No more baby names, no more onesies. Just a shoebox in a closet with little mementos that she ever existed.

And today I just have an angel on my Christmas tree. It's tucked among the hundreds of other ornaments that I love. And on the back it has written, "December 18th, 2004" the day my first child was due to be born.

Unless you've carried a baby or had a child, I don't think you can imagine. I think you think, "how could you love a baby you never even met?" But ask any mother- and she knows. She knows that you can love that person more than you can love yourself. And today all I can do it say little prayers for her- for all the things she never got to be.

I know there are thousands... millions of women even, that have endured such a loss. I'm not unique, it's not rare. It's one of the burdens that women shoulder in life.

My biggest fear from that moment on was that for some reason, I would be unable to carry a child, that I wouldn't get to experience the wonder. And I thank God every single day for blessing me as a mother. It's the greatest gift I could ever imagine.

It's that time...

2010-10-06T18:47:00.000-07:00

It's definitely my favorite time of year: football games, comfort food, crisp weather. I love it all.

But the downsize of the season is it's easy to feel frumpy. You're losing your last of your summer tan. Starting to look pasty. Started to get a littler softer in the middle from lack of all summer activity. And ohhhh... the comfort food!

It's probably time to get serious about a workout regimen! I'd like to focus on overall muscle tone this winter- try my darndest to fight these wicked 30's! :) I don't want to invest in a lot of equiptment- right now I have at my disposal a treadmill, some free weights and a few workout videos. I'd really like to have a few appointments with a trainer to find out how to target my "problem areas" but again, that can be a big investment.

I'm going to start with my basic cardo, build up a little endurance- but if anyone has any good ideas for workouts for women- particularly for the core area, let me know. (Oh and if toned legs, firm arms, highers buns, and... fewer wrinkles... would miraculously be side effects- that would be good too)

And please- don't offer me good food. Like- pumpkin pie... and chili... and hot wings... and all that. Let's go out for brocolli sometime!!!

Justt try!

2010-09-30T13:19:00.000-07:00

Just TRY not to tap your toes to this song! And how cute is this video? It's my favorite right now! (you should see my 5-year old singing it!)

I do... I like it

2010-09-29T12:05:00.000-07:00

When I first heard this song I was a closet listener. I liked the sound of it, but the lyrics seemed too cheesy to really love it (I'll take off my halo, you take off your wings...) I mean really, even for a love song, isn't angel imagery taking it too far?

BUT- then I actually stopped and listened to it clear through one say. The message is actually saying "hey, nobody's perfect, I don't have a halo, you don't have wings-let's quit pretending that exists- but I love you despite that- and we're good together, period."

And now, I'm not AS ashamed to say I like it. It's still cheesy, I'll give you that.

a follow up

2010-09-27T07:01:00.001-07:00

Some of you may have noticed the "anonymous" comments on my last blog. Let's just say they all three came from 'someone from my past' who doesn't like me to be happy. I considered deleting them, but- honestly, I think it reflects more on that person that it does on me.

Because here's what I know. I'd done a lot of reading on controlling and emotionally abusive relationships in the past year. I know the M.O. They try to bring break you down. They try to control every action and emotion you have. They go to great lengths to bring you down publicly. And MOST of all, they can't stand for you to exert any Independence and being happy and moving on, strikes them to the core. The VERY first hit on Google for "controlling relationships" says: they have a mean streak (often physically breaking things), they put you down, they try to embarass you publicly, and the cycle through mean and nice streaks. Guess what- 100%.

I don't have to hide from those insults anymore- I don't have to delete them. I know the truth. I know what I did for my family and why. And the people that know me, know that too. I'm a good mother. I love my children fiercely and I make sure they know it. I keep them safe and I provide for them. I teach them about faith, kindness and patience. I give them a wide variety of opportunities & activities. And another thing I do, a KEY thing I do, is encourage them to love both parents. I take them out of the mix of past conflicts and let them be kids and promote a healthy relationship with both parents. Because I think it's the right thing to do- regardless of the emotions I have about the situation. They are happy and healthy. They excel academically and they have a big family that loves them.

It's true, that the biggest casualty of divorce is losing some time with them. I am blessed to have primary custody and that gives me a lot of peace, knowing that the bulk of their influence comes from me- and they are doing great in the situation! And because of the weekend visitation schedules, etc- that means that yes, there are times that I have a weekend to do adult things. I could sit at home and cry and miss them and wonder what they are doing (and Lord knows I have done that!) Or, I can be strong and take care of myself. I can give them a great gift- a mother who is happy and balanced and refreshed every time I get them back on a Sunday night.

I've made the choices I've made and I stand behind them. I have two beautiful daughters and if I can SHOW them a happy, healthy relationship- if I can encourage them to demand on having the very best in a partner for themselves someday- then I am doing my job.

SO thankful!

2010-09-24T12:54:00.000-07:00

There's little doubt this whole past year of my life was going to be transformative. A year ago I finalized my life-altering decision to get divorced. After many years of loneliness and unhappiness I took the plunge. And I did it with a heavy heart. I tried everything to the point of attending marriage counseling alone- thinking maybe if I could correct every aspect of "my half" of the relationship it could be workable. But the only thing I learned is that it doesn't work like that. Without a "whole" there was no relationship to fix.

So, I stand here now a changed person. Changed for the better. I've known such happiness these past 12 months. And a lot of it comes with just being free of the burden of sorrow that clung to me for so long. But, I'd be lying if I didn't acknowledge that a big part of that happiness is thanks to the company I've been keeping!!!

I have had so many fun and exciting experiences this past year, there's no way I can list them all! I've been to St. Louis; saw the Angels and Cardinals play, toured Anheiser Busch and went to an amazing piano bar. I've been to Las Vegas; and played in my first live casino poker tournament (1st place victory worth mentioning!), rode in a stretch limosine up Las Vegas Boulevard, had VIP seats to watch the Bellagio light and water show, and saw my dream concert, Garth Brooks in a small, intimate show! I saw the Broadway production of Lion King! I've been to vineyards and learned about the different kinds of grapes and wines! I've strolled through farmers markets picking out frsh ingredients for new recipes to try! I've been to Cubs games and other ball fields around the state- enjoying the different concession stand foods as much as the ball games! I've learned the love of Hawkeye tailgating, Buffalo Wild Wings and Jethro's BBQ! I've hit the dance floor in a small rural Iowa bar, I've seen a hypnotist in action, I've picked out furniture, I've been to so many new restaurants and I've had more wonderful home-cooked meals that I could have ever imagined! I've made new friends, I've dressed up for Halloween, I've watched fireworks, I watched rented movies at home of every genre and I've taken road trips!

I've seen someone exhibit such wonderful qualities. Like perspective. When the basement flooded and he came upstairs, loosened his tie, and said "well, what should we eat tonight?" And patience. When we baked cake... after cake...after cake... in the pursuit of the perfect princess castle. And decisiveness. When we talked about painting a room and 2 hours later we were at the hardware store, paint in cart. And thoughtfulness. In making sure that my children felt welcome and comfortable in each new situation. And acceptance. For seeing the scars I carry and working around them. And commitment. When he fought crowds and traffic, on a day that was very busy already, just to be there for me when I crossed the line of my first big race. And empathy. When he went out of his way to make my Mother's Day meaningful and special. And most of all love. When I faced my darkest moments and biggest hurdles and it would have made perfect sense for him to walk away.

I'm so grateful- for all of it. Every memory, every experience, every day. I want to bottle them up and save them forever. I guess the best I can do is write them down and just be thankful that I have them.

If you're reading this and it all sounds familiar- I LOVE YOU!!!

Soon

2010-09-14T06:34:00.001-07:00

Been on hiatus lately. Had a lot on my plate the past few weeks. Work stuff, house stuff, little darling birthday stuff and did a little traveling.

Things are starting to settle down, I'll be back in blogging action soon!

Good tune.

2010-09-01T06:56:00.001-07:00

I love this song. I couldn't find the video, but give it a listen. Norah Jones is amazing.

Eat, Pray, Love

2010-08-29T18:17:00.000-07:00

I did one of my very favorite past times today, going to a movie! It doesn't really matter the movie, the time of day, or even who I'm with (if anyone)! Going to movies has always been a favorite thing of mine!

Today I took in Eat, Pray, Love. I was pleasantly surprised by the movie. I had read the book and honestly, had a bit of a hard time relating to it. Maybe because from the book interpretation, you get to see deep inside the author's head, every little bit of crazy that she is, the really vivid emotional highs and lows. And honestly I'm just not built that way. And in the movie, you just skim the surface and she seems like just a normal person, with normal problems after going through a divorce.

I thought it was really moving, and well done showing her go through the different phases. There's the moment she decides she wants a divorce. She talks about how her biggest fear is hurting someone, and if she could, she'd just slip out the back door, into the night and her husband would wake up and just be fine with it. In the story though, as in real life, it's not that easy. The feelings are real and people do get hurt.

The movie follows her through a progression of men- from a little fling to the man whom she has a volatile relationship with but is convinced he's her soul mate and she's madly in love with him.

Like most people, I love the guy she ends up with- a Brazilian named Phillippe! He so good to her and seems so wise. I love when he says, he gets that she doesn't "need" a man- but she needs a champion. Someone to believe in her, adore her and love her as much as she loves herself. It's easy to chalk most movies up to Hollywood fiction- but these two really met, really fell in love and really got married. It's a pretty feel-good movie in the end.

It makes you think- who's the person who's your champion in life?

Here's comes fall...

2010-08-20T12:08:00.000-07:00

Here comes fall and I seriously cannot wait! This summer has been nothing but HOT, humid and rainy! My official fall decor countdown is ON! The way I figure it- September is football season and back to school and the start of cooler weather- and therefore September 1 means I can bust out the fall decor! I love decorating for fall so I try to really maximize the time frame! If I'm going to have leafy knick knacks and pumpkins and spiced candles- I want to enjoy them to their fullest potential. The way I figure it- I can get a good 3 months out of this if I count all of September, October and November!

I'm ready now but I feel like people are way too judgemental about these things. I have a secret stash of fall stuff just ITCHING to be let out of their Rubbermade confines- but once you do that the ridicule starts: "It's August, what's wrong with you!" I'm gonna be like that 80 year old car lady who has a Christmas tree up in July. Except I'll have hay bales and cornstalks out- and it will be mid March. And I'll be trying to serve warm cider and it will be like 100 degrees in July and then people will really start to talk. And I've been obsessed with Friday Night Lights- staying up too late every night watching the DVD's after the children go to bed.

So I'll wait until September 1. I mean, most likely I'll wait. Like, the bulk of my stuff will wait until September 1. Sure, my wall PlugIn is already smelling spicey and warm. And yeah, the candles on the end tables are now orange and tan and brown. And I did buy that one little ceramic maple leaf thing the other day- but it was on sale- that's all. It made good financial sense- period.

So don't judge me. I won't be sitting around dusting my fall ceramics all weekend. I won't be getting everything sorted and unpacked so I can set it all out in 12 days...

a good reminder

2010-08-12T13:37:00.001-07:00

It can be so easy to get bogged down in life. To let silly things get to you. Work. Bills. Laundry.

It can be so easy to forget how much we rely on and need the people closest to us. I recently came across the blog of an a girl I knew in college. She married her long time sweetheart and at the age of 29 she became a widow. Just reading her accounts of the process of grieving your best friend, your partner, your closest confidante- it's heartwrenching. She's haunted by dreams at night about mundane evenings that they spent together, picking out games at the video store. She talks about the process of burying someone you love so much. The prospect of facing the rest of your days and not being able to hear their laughter, see their smile, smell their scent, share their life. She talks about the loneliness and the sadness and the general void in her life. The way she talks about the permanancy of it all, just makes my heart ache. The way she will never share a Christmas with him, a Sunday morning, a rented movie curled up together on the couch.

And it's such a great reminder to treasure every little thing about your loved ones. Even the silly things and the things that frustrate you. Because in the end, it's what makes them THEM! And imagine, for one second, the prospect of them being gone from your world forever. It makes the frustrations seem not worth it, doesn't it?

2010-08-10T11:09:00.000-07:00

There's something about this song that I just love. I can't say exactly what it is. It's kind of haunting. Beautiful. Something about it just speaks to me. It makes me think of those few times in life where something feels so magical. Maybe a perfect date? Maybe the hope of something great? What's your magical moment?

Lyrics:
Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face
And said I just don't care?

It's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg, the sun before the burn
The thunder before lightning, the breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table, the walk before the run
The breath before the kiss and the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee, calling me sugar
You called me sugar

Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself
Will it ever get better than tonight? Tonight

Just one of those things...

2010-08-05T12:07:00.000-07:00

Kind of discouraged today. It never ceases to amaze me how few people you can look up to- whether it be professionalism, or just generally trusting someone. I guess it's a good reminder that we're all flawed- even those people in positions of leadership that we expect more of. In fact, today I'm going to go out on a limb and say I'm disgusted at some recent events.

I have no doubt of my flaws- and I'd say it's as good a time as any for me to work on those. But, I'm going to go ahead and start that task tomorrow, today... I need a good dose of The Office! That's why I keep those dvd's on hand, just for days like this. I feel like that time someone put Dwight's calculator in a jello mold... except madder...

Things I've been loving lately...

2010-07-29T14:21:00.001-07:00

Diet Squirt
Chocolate Milk
Buffalo Wings
Red Vines
80's Music
Friday Night Lights
Salads
Sunshine
Coconut Shampoo
Salsa
The Farmer's Market
The way my baby girl is starting to say so many words and the sound of her tiny voice!

And the way her older sister grabs my clothes when I'm not looking and plays dress up!

Where did my baby go?

2010-07-26T14:37:00.000-07:00

My baby started kindergarten this week. I just can’t believe it. It seems like yesterday I was holding a little newborn. I’d sit and just stare at her in pure awe of how much I loved her. She was so perfect, with little rosebud lips and soft skin and the perfect baby smell. I was just learning how to be a mom and I just knew my little girl was flawless! You can't ever describe to someone else the way you feel about your own baby- the hopes and dreams you have for them and the way you'd die for them the moment you meet them.

And she grew. Her personality began to show, and from the very beginning, she had a sparkle. The best word I can think to describe her is sunshine! She’s has two modes: happy and happier (sometimes loud and louder!)

The older she got, the longer her hair got and it grew in as this wild mane of curls! It just seemed to fit her personality so much!

She has a silly, light-hearted spirit. She loves to play pretend- I think she could have theatre productions in her future! It's funny because it's so different than me- the LAST thing I would have ever wanted to do was be in a theatre production- it was one of the few things I couldn't bring myself to do in school. And yet here I have this outgoing, dramatic little girl looking at me with eyes and lips that look familiar, yet her personality is so different!

She grew older and smarter. I could tell she was growing up. She was getting more mature. But she was still my baby. Watching her sleep while she sucked her thumb, made her look so much like a baby! She could be full of sass one minute, but still curl up and cuddle with the best of them!

Then she became a big sister and she took on a lot of new responsibilities. My baby is now my partner, helping me do everything from feeding her baby sister to fetching me diapers. And she takes SUCH pride in being a great big sister- it fills my heart watching them together!

And then she went to school. And the little girl that was my baby suddenly seemed so grown up. I tried to help her adjust her new pink backpack on the way home after the first day of kindergarten and she said, “No Mommy, I just want one strap on my shoulder, that’s the big kids do it. It looks cooler.” And then she didn’t seem like such a baby anymore. I just pray for all good things for her. For her to love school and make friends and have confidence and joy. She was SOOO excited to have real “homework” to do this past weekend- she was just about jumping up and down to start it!

OOPS!

2010-07-23T07:11:00.000-07:00

So, about 2 weeks ago I went in to see my hair dresser. The conversation went something like this:
Me: "I'm going on a little vacation. What could we do that's fun but easily reversible?"
Her: "Ohhh! We could do a few streaks of color! We'll just do a few foils, then go over them with brown when you get back!"
Me: "You know, that sounds fun, I think we should do blue! I've always wanted to try that! When else am I going to be off work for a week? We can just cover them up you say? OK, let's do it!"

I was so naive... here I am smiling stupidly as I have no clue what I'm about to do...

And, it didn't take long. Within about 30 minutes, sure enough, I had a few blue streaks.

And really, I was OK with it. It was fairly subtle, in a pony tail or dim light you couldn't really tell. It took my mom 2 hours to notice when I had my hair pulled back.

But then...

I showered... and the blue- it went EVERYWHERE! The tub looked like I murdered a smurf! My feet were blue, my towel was blue, and most notably, the REST of my hair was blue. Almost panic worthy I'll admit. Especially given that the first two days of blue hair were spent with my boyfriends entire family. Yep- parents, sibling, etc. Nothing says good impressions like a momma with a head full of blue hair let me tell you. But, it was what it was. So, I just walked around like a skater punk for a few days and tried to enjoy vacation.

Then I re-entered the real world. Needless to say my work wasn't SUPER loving the skater look, so I went back to the salon. And so much for our "easy" 30-minute fix. We tried to bleach the blue out. Didn't work. So, we did the only other thing you can do, cover it up with a darker color.

At this point I'm admittedly concerned. My hair dresser is furrowing her brow and looking a litttle concerned herself. Not instilling confidence in me... not at all.

So, she does what she says she has to do. She pulled the towel off at the end and I'm just staring at the mirror. She said, "Have you heard of the Suicide Girls? They do like, calendars and stuff? They're awesome! Kind of punk, rocker, vibe! I mean, sometimes they're topless, so you may not be into that, but anyway, this hair totally reminds me of them!" And I'm thinking... I have a desk job. And 2 little kids. And I'm 31 29. The black and red, rocker, goth thing isn't really me! And by "not really me" I mean, I am doing everything possible to not burst out in tears right here!!! She said to go home, give it a few days, see if I got used to it. Conveniently, the next day was the first day of Kindergarten. So, here's my sweet baby girl and her rocker, goth, "Suicide Girl" wanna be mother. Even my 4-year old is recoiling a little.

I gave it 2 days. And after those two days of recoiling at my image in the mirror I called her back.
Me: "OK, this hair is NOT working. I can't do it. I've already gotten hate mail. My ex just emailed me and said I look like 'slutty east side trash.' I think we've established he's classy like that, but he might be right, I look ridiculous. Change it! Do something!"
To which she replies: "Hey, I'm from the east side."
And I think to myself: Noted. Maybe take her future recommendations with a grain of salt!

So, we spend another 2 hours, try to strip EVERYTHING out- which doesn't really work. I mean, it's permanent hair dye for a reason!
Now, we have a slightly less goth look. I'm calling it chestnut, or auburn! If you disagree, I will bite you! And it's what I have for a least a few months or else my hair will fall out of my head- or something dramatic like that!

Lesson learned. Don't eff with your hair.

Th "C" word

2010-07-19T09:54:00.000-07:00

If there's one thing that I hope people think about me, it's that I forgive easily. I'm not saying I always forget. But I do forgive. And the main reason is because life is short and it's precious. And the fact is, it's fragile and it can be ripped away in a heartbeat. And I don't want to live with a lot of regrets. And, quite frankly, I'm not perfect. I'm not the perfect friend or perfect daughter or perfect colleague, and I guess I hope people would forgive me for my mistakes as well.

Someone very close to me was just diagnosed with cancer. I hate that word. I feel like cancer either has taken- or will take- everyone in this world that I care about. When I pray at night, I literally thank God that another day went by that no one got in a car accident, and no one got cancer. I want to make sure He knows, that I don't take that for granted. I have inscribed on my living room wall "Never take Health, Happiness or Love for Granted." And I truly try to live by it. I try to fully appreciate each happy moment, each warm touch, each day with my loved ones.

Yes, we're all hoping and praying this is treatable. It's an early diagnosis. But that's the tricky thing about cancer, you just never know. So take extra time to hug your loved ones and TELL them that you love them. Maybe pick up the phone and actually call the friend you lost touch with.

Take a minute to take stock of your relationships and enjoy all the good that the people in your life have to offer!

2010-07-15T06:35:00.000-07:00

It's been a busy month and I've been away from my computer alot!!!

My ex husband got his 2nd week with the kids. Four times a year he gets them for a week. It just about kills me. I miss everything about them. Their little voices, our tuck ins, the funny things they say non stop, the sweet ways they have, and the beautiful way they interact with each other. I miss it all! There's just something unnatural about a mother being away from her kids for that much time. I worry most about my little girl Millie. She's just a year and a half and I know she doesn't understand it all. Most days they still go to daycare when he has them, so I can stop and see their smiling faces. My little one runs to me and says "MAMA, MAMA, MAMA!" and jumps into my arms and just smiles her little crooked smile. It just melts me! My older one acts a little cooler- she lights up then brings it back down and says something like "hey Mom." But then she quickly finds her way onto my other knee. The little one cries when I leave. It's so hard on me. I just want find a way to be with her!

But we made it through and it will be awhile before we have to endure one of these weeks again. It will be good for all of us to get in our routines! In other news, my oldest started kidnergarten yesterday. It breaks my heart thinking this is the end of her innocence! She's still at that beautiful age where she doesn't really know what it is to be self conscious, or to compare herself to someone else. She's happiest just playing and being creative!

I'm so blessed, they're such happy, healthy kids!

Roots...

2010-06-18T08:07:00.000-07:00

I can't say that I miss my marriage. There's nothing to miss. The progression went from husband and wife, to roommates, to near strangers. You can't miss a person you felt you barely knew. But I had a startling moment the other day and it stopped me in my tracks. I've been so hell bent on surviving. Not just surviving, but thriving in my new world of independance. Of living alone, shopping alone, sleeping alone and raising kids alone. And there are some benefits to doing all of that alone. (like buying a creepy, funky ceramic owl to set on my coffee table. What man would have went for that!?!) But, something I never stopped to think about- I guess I miss the idea of marriage.

In a marriage, at least a healthy one, the two people are connected like the roots of two healthy trees. You support each other, and little facets of your life intertwine and intersect in lots of places. Someone is there, they notice when you come home. They can tell how you're feeling. Sometimes they just sit with you- and you don't need to talk. You know the same stories, and have the same jokes. Because over time, those things have just melded together. Instead of his stories and her stories you just have "our" stories. There are little gestures, just those hidden little intimacies between two people. Kind words, a soft touch. You have inside jokes. You know their favorite meal, they know your saddest story. They know your strengths. And you know their vulnerabilities. You can llaugh at your imperfections together. They know you're going to make mistakes and you know despite that, they're going to keep loving you anyway. You talk things out, make decsions together- whether it's where to go out to eat, or where to buy your next house. Two voices work together to solve life's problems, overcome the hurdles. And when you have a happy moment, you have the feeling where you can't wait to tell them because it truly affects them. It's their life as much as it is yours. I guess, the assumption is there that together, you're a "WE." We might have separate interests. But we're a WE.

Marriage can get bland and stale and repititive. I don't know a married person who doesn't feel unappreciated sometimes. It takes great personal sacrifice to aim to make another person happy.

I'm happy in my life. I'm happy with my path, who I'm with & where I live. But I guess there would be things to miss about a relationship like that. At least, hypothetically...

Show me the LOVE!

2010-06-14T20:16:00.000-07:00

I went for a walk with my kiddos tonight and as we strolled through town I wanted to walk by the tennis courts I spent so many hours on in college. It was a beautiful night so we just stopped and looked at them for awhile. The very smell of them hasn't changed over the years. I could close my eyes and my world faded away and I could be standing there, 10 years ago, ready to face another opponent.

There are some things your body just feels so natural doing. The kind of things where your muscle memory can pick it up, just like that- where you dream about it even. They say artists are like that, and musicians too. Tennis was like that for me. I'm not saying I was the best player that ever stepped foot on the court. But it was my game. It was the game that had my heart, my LOVE if you will! I'm not a natural runner. I like golf but I'm bad. I played softball but don't miss it. I loved basketball but couldn't ever break through to the top tier. But tennis... it's my game.

When I stood at those courts tonight I remembered how much a part of me the game used to be. Thousands of hours spent on those courts, aching from the repetition, getting blisters on my feet from the constant jarring stops, feeling the burn of my skin from the time spent under the relentless sun. And I realized just how much I miss it.

I'm a little older and a little slower. Those aches and pains come quicker and my back screams after a match. I'm paying for those hours spent in the sun, considering a laser exfoliation to get some of those pesky sun spots banished even! But still, I know I've gotta find time to get on the court. There's something about walking off that court, drenched in sweat, and feeling so at home with a racket in your hand.

Dam that was hard!

2010-06-08T08:07:00.000-07:00

I've never been a runner. I mean, in high school track I'd sometimes run the 100 or 200 meter sprints- one time the coach told me I had to pinch in and run an 800 and I almost threw up from the dread of it all!

In college when we were training early in the tennis season we had to run 3-5 miles a day to get in shape. That was just a necessary evil and I did it because I had to.

But this past weekend I actually ran voluntarily. See, for the past 6 years I've gone downtown to watch my brother run the Dam to Dam, one of the largest 20K races in the country. It's 12.4 miles that snakes through Des Moines, ending up downtown- to streets filled with large crowds, food vendors, live bands, etc. Something about people looking miserable, sweating their butts off, excessively cramping and sometimes throwing up looked appealing to me. I know, Captain Bad Decisions at your service!

But you know, in the year of changes and renewing myself I decided it was time to try something big and new so about 4 months ago I signed up. I've been training ever since. And by "training," I mean sitting on the couch on weekends complaining to whoever would listen, "I don't feel like running today! Wanna go get some chips and dip and watch another episode of American Pickers? Sweet!"

2 weekends ago after not lacing up my tennis shoes for almost 2 weeks I decided I had to get serious and do a final (and first) long run. Only problem was, I was out of town with the boyfriend for the weekend- at his parents house in southeast Iowa. Not so much a problem except for when I left their house early Saturday morning with a spring in my step to venture out and explore 9 miles worth of rural southern Iowa, and returned looking fairly green thanks to throwing up at mile 6- and having to run 3 miles back to their house in the blazing sun! How's that for good impresiions. "Well hello Mrs. Boyfriends Mom- what's that? Why yes, that might in fact be bits of regurgitated cheerios on my shirt!"

Fast forward 7 days to Race Day! And again I use the term "race" to denote only that I had tennis shows on and I was at an event wearing a number on my chest. That's the only resemblance I had to anything of the "racing" variety. Of course, race day was cold and rainy in the morning. The first 8 miles we ran in the rain. Well, "we" meaning me and the other people still huffing around central Iowa. The "real" runners- like the stick thin waif-like people were already done running. But by mile 9 the clouds broke and me and my soaked clothes and sopping wet shoes got to finish in the sun!

This is what the race leaders looked like:

This is what the people at the end of the field looked like- safe to say I finished right between these two groups! :)

The highlights from the day were first and foremost seeing the people closest to me rooting for me at the finish line! When I came up that last quarter mile, dragging one leg behind me and aching in places I didn't know existed, I smiled instantly seeing them clapping and yelling my name!! I know from their perspective it had to be fairly anticlimatic watching thousands of runners come through and me just being one of the herd. But for me, focusing on nothing but that finish line for over 2 hours and seeing their faces when I made it- it was priceless.

2nd highlight- I didn't puke! That's rockstar right there.

3rd- beating my goal! I planned on finishing the run in about two and hallf hours. I finished in 2 hours 16 minutes and 56 seconds which equated to about 10:45 minute miles- a personal best for me at that distance!

I don't know if I'll ever do it again. Here we are 3 days later and I am FINALLY able to sneeze without wincing in extreme pain. It's like having a baby. It very rewarding! But as long as I still have stitches, still sleep deprived, or really, can still even RECALL the horrors of labor and delivery don't even CONSIDER asking me if I'd ever want to repeat it! It's like that... without the stitches.

It's final...finally!

2010-05-18T19:12:00.000-07:00

If you could watch a video of my life exactly 1 year ago today, it's amazing what you'd see. I lived a life of such sadness. You'd see a person who was filled with despair at the turns my life I had taken. I was in such an unhappy marriage. Every year at our annual weekend away, my best girlfriends, for YEARS, would sit me down and look me in the eyes and say "What are you doing! Leave him! Get on with your life! He's miserable and you are miserable with him! You're not doing your kids any favors by giving them this model of a relationship to follow." And yet I stayed. Year after year I stayed in it. I was so afraid of leaving. Afraid of hurting someone else. Too cowardly to take the next step. Too afraid of the unknowns- where would I live, how would I raise my kids, what if I wasn't strong enough? And maybe worst of all, could I hurt someone else?

And then one day last August I just got the nerve. It was like a volcano that had been brewing for so long and once it was going to blow, there was no stopping it. I discussed it with a marriage counselor. After ONE session she was 100% convinced that I needed to leave and really start living. I discussed it with my friends, and I discussed it with my family. I had 100% unanimous support: it was time to leave. And so I talked to a lawyer, I split our assets in half and I came home one night and just told him. And that was the day my life really changed.

I don't want to recount every horror since that day. But I will say, in the past 8 months, things have been hell. If I was afraid to tell him, well, I under estimated his reaction. I've endured every insult in the books. I've been humiliated. My name has been trashed. My children have been manipulated. I've been financially devastated. I've laid awake at night and wondered how I'd ever see it through.

I've been beyond frustrated with our legal system.

I'm glad I didn't know how awful it was going to be- the levels that a person can go to, the way they can harden their heart and let hate overcome them. Because I don't know how I could have had the courage on the front end. All I can say, is around every corner I had 100% support from my loved ones! They listened to me, they knew when to be frustrated with me and they knew when to talk me down from the ledge!

And TODAY- it all came to a close. He finally signed the divorce decree, and a judge signed off on it. And I really am not eloquent enough to put into words the way I feel. I want to cry I'm so happy. I feel like I could fly. I feel like the weight of the world is off of me. When I look back at the person I was a year ago, sitting on the front porch on a warm spring night, staring at the stars and praying for a life miracle, I want to go there and just whisper, "It's ok. Things are going to get better one day and you're going to make it through."

I feel like when I was a kid and learned to ride a bike with no hands- and the wind was just in your face and it felt like you really were flying! Or when I was in college and we took a road trip with no particular destination, but just a day of fun and joy heading into the unknown! Or when I'd rub my hand over my big pregnant belly and the anticipation just about killed me because I knew something great was coming.

Maybe you can't know. Maybe I can't ever get the right words. I've heard it said that no outsider can EVER judge someone else's marriage because only those two people ever really know what it was like on the inside. You have the couple that people think you are, and then you have the real you. That's a very true statement.

I'm so thankful to be starting the rest of my life today. Today is day one...

You're not MY mother!

2010-05-16T18:16:00.000-07:00

I'd say there's any awful lot of people in this world- maybe more so males... that have that attitude on Mother's Day, "well, you're not MY mother, why would I do anything for YOU!?"

And I can't EXACTLY blame them. I mean, they aren't mother's themselves (unless they are that sex change guy that gave birth like a year ago, then they might be). So they don't always really GET everything that entails. I could spend pages and blogs talking about what all it means to be a mother but in the end, either you get it or you don't, and know amount of my soap-boxin' is going to change anyone's mind.

So, it's refreshing when someone (someone who didn't originate from your very own baby cabin)goes out of their way to make you feel special on Mother's Day. And that's exactly what happened to me this year!

I was greeted with a HUGE bar of dark chocolate, my very fave! AND a gorgeous potted flowering plant, an Orange Star I think it was called? AND a new driver, for playing golf. I then got to go out and play a round with the new club! My score wasn't necessarily indicative of the potential the club has... And best of all, it all came from my boyfriend, who knew having a Mother's Day without my kids was going to be really tough. It was so wonderful and refreshing, to be thought of! It turned out to be a really great day!

I've spent many Mother's Days (and birthdays and Valentine's Days and anniversaries and...) being completely disregarded and really fending for myself. If I heard it once I heard it a hundred times, "you can't expect life to be a romance novel!" Well, turns out... maybe you can! ;) I always try very hard not to take people or happiness for granted. And I can truly say, I'm blessed and I KNOW it!!

On mothering

2010-05-08T09:20:00.000-07:00

Well, in 2005, I became a mother, and naturally, I wrote about it:

http://gostorm.blogspot.com/2008/05/day-i-became-mother.html

In 2008 I became a mother for a 2nd time and I wrote about it again:
http://gostorm.blogspot.com/2008/12/well-here-it-is.html

And now here I am. And things are quite a bit different than they were. Tomorrow is Mother's Day and because of the evils of how this divorce has progressed, I really won't get to see my babies, except to pick them up in the evening after their weekend with "Daddy," and get them home and tuck them in. It's discouraging no doubt. I'm frustrated with the whole process! The courts, the lawyers, but most of all, the Ex.

But no matter how hard he tries, he can't take away the relationship I have with my girls. We've been forced, by circumstance, hardships and roadblocks, to ban together in a a whole new way. We are closer than ever before, and any doubts I ever had about my ability to raise them successfully by myself, or their ability to come out of this happy and healthy, have been erased. They are so strong and resilient and I know the three of us can face anything. So I may not get to be with them on Mother's Day this year, but everyday is really our day. I'll be thinking of them and will cherish their little kisses tomorrow night and thank God for blessing me so much!

Spring smiles!

2010-04-06T18:20:00.000-07:00

Took some pictures of my babies today. I mean, real pictures, with the "big camera." There are lots of times where I just don't feel like being artistic and take my point and shoot camera to get shots of whatever. Whatever lighting, whatever background. But when the weather turns nice and we have some time to play outside, I get that urge to shoot them in the light of the new season!

They truly take my breath away. They are so funny and so beautiful to me! It doesn't matter what else is going on in my life, stresses, disappointments, work things; playing with my babies and seeing the joy they emit always brings a smile to my face! It's such a pure, unconditional happiness! I thank God every day for giving me the gift of THEM!

Hoppy Easter!

2010-04-02T10:08:00.001-07:00

My little baby Millie last Easter!

Happy St. Patty's!

2010-03-17T07:49:00.001-07:00

Pretty typical scene in our household. Exhibit A)

Millie is disgruntled because Mommy has gotten her dressed in the morning. Today we are wearing green in honor of St. Patrick's Day, don't want anyone pinching my babies! I have to stand back about 2 feet to get a picture of Millie. This makes her very mad because she is now unable to be wrapped abound my leg where she is happiest. Don't get me wrong, I always wanted a "Mommy's girl" and I wouldn't change a thing!

Exhibit B:

Gracie insists that SHE will take the photo. This is one of her favorite activities. So, I pick Millie up and she is instantly happier. Granted, we are all kind of a mess, haven't combed her hair yet, etc. But, she's not crying and we're both wearing green, so snap the picture kid, quick!!!

Exhibit C:

I take Grace's photo. She gives me the hugest grin ever. This kid doesn't have a half smile! It's all or nothing, usually ALL! Of course what you can't tell is that this is the SECOND outfit she's had on today. The first was an adorable green monkey shirt, but when she saw Millie has a skirt on, she HAD to have a skirt on. I was late to work thanks to this fiasco, but, we all left the house with green on and most of us had our hair combed. Success!

New beginnings

2010-03-02T06:32:00.000-08:00

I moved out of my home yesterday. Overnight I went from 5,200 square feet of space to 1,200. It's going to take some efficient packing of cupboards to fit everything in, that's for sure. I can honestly say I've never been so happy to lose 4,000 square feet. Where I'm living now is small but feels like mine. With that comes a lot of responsibility, and that part is a little daunting. I'm going to have a lot to face by myself- from leaky faucets to rattly ceiling fans to that horrible job of snow removal. It's something that a lot of women before me have faced, and I just have to think it they can do it, I can do it. So what if I wedge chairs under the doors to keep all of the serial murderers and rapists away from my little family. I would bet 90% of women who live alone have done that at some point in their lives!

The best part of my day was watching my girls playing at the new house. They seemed happy. I was surpsingly shocked myself at how quickly they seemed to adjust. They even went to bed great, their first night sharing a room, and it went wonderful. All in all, a lot to be thankful for.

Maybe it's time

2010-02-26T18:34:00.001-08:00

There was a saying I always liked. When God closes a door he opens a window. A window of opportunity I guess. My friend K just posted today, "Things fall apart, so other things can fall together." I like them both, because simply put, I've found them to be true. Some of my biggest disappointments in life have turned into blessings.

There's little doubt, the biggest failure of my life has been getting divorced. At it's core, it's a failure of keeping a promise, a failure of working things out, a failure of caring enough for another person, and a failure of committment. Eight years ago I promised to do those things, and today I find myself with two beautiful children, moving out of our home, and ripping another person's life apart. It's not something I can ever feel good about.

But like with other failures in my life, blessings have come from it. There were good reasons it had to happen, so some things were naturally instantly better. I think my children are doing great, and it's a blessing to see that. I think they'll have new opportunities, they'll be closer to my family, and they'll be better suited to find a healthy relationship of their own someday.

Personally, I feel like windows are flying open left and right! I now have the freedom to be myself, and if NOTHING else, that opportunity right there was worth it all. I no longer have to be a shell of a person to try to appease someone else.

Another window has opened as well. I've had the opportunity to spend time with someone very special to me. It's funny, life has a way of unwinding a path for you. When you feel most lost, most confused, things always seem to work themselves out. I wasn't looking for someone special, and he wasn't looking for me. But, that's how life works.

He and I were friends for almost 8 years. In fact, I've known him longer than I knew my Ex husband, by several years! Our path looked a little like this: Met in college, worked together at a sporting goods store, graduated and moved on with life, met up again a few years later in our current job, became great friends over the course of many shared laughs, beers and experiences in those years. And then when I found myself single again, I allowed myself, for the first time in so long, to wonder about what, or who, might really make me happy. Next thing you know, the breeze of happiness is blowing in that newly open window!

So, here we are. Together. Our first picture ever taken as an "us." It was taken on a cell phone and it's therefore not very good quality, but it will always be my favorite.

Terrible Tuesdays: Part IV

2010-02-09T08:31:00.001-08:00

I may not be doing a great job of blogging regularly, but I am trying to keep up with the Terrible Tuesday posts! This week is about vacation!

Now. Maybe I'm crazy, that could very well be. But I love a vacation. Maybe some sand or sun or even some FUN! (GASP!) Maybve a few days to escape real life, maybe a week in a foreign country? Maybe a weekend where you hop in the car, with no plan, and see where you land?

I can honestly say I've never been on a nice vacation with a significant other- be it boyfriend, husband, whatever. The closest was probably the time my then boyfriend and I went to Minnesota for a gambling get away. We were 18. It was spring break. While we were old enough for the casino, we weren't old enough to rent a room- OOPS! So we were stuck in Minnesota- in of course, a snow storm. And yes, this is the best I've got!!!

The Ex hated to leave the house. I think we've established that theme here already. My "honeymoon" was spent in the town where I live. At home. Watching TV. And our vacations went downhill from there. I use the term "vaction" loosely, because that was really the last one we took. To be fair, there was on time the 2nd year where we went to Vegas for 2 days with some friends. And we spent the day at the Hoover Dam. I mean, nothing against dams but if you're in Vegas (check), and if you like to gamble (check) and if you like to get some sun (check), it seems like maybe you could fit one of those things in? Alas- we went to the dam, then to Perkins. I know, I'm not even making this up. And that was Vegas.

But in the years since then I can honestly say we never went anywhere or did anything. There were years where we had the money. There were years where we had the time. But, in the way that only the Ex could do, he isolated himself from every possible experience. He saved his vacation days for times when he could be alone. One time we accidentally took the same day off without telling each other- and he was so angry and crabby that his day was now "ruined!" To his credit, I actually felt the same way- I was instantly disappointed that I didn't have complete freedom from him for the day and truth be told, I think I decided to go on in to work.

In the past few years I've done a lot of fun things. Lots of time spent on the lake in Minnesota- boating, getting sunburned, golfing, tubing, staying up late, fishing, you name it! I also went to Omaha to the Zoo, and to Minneapolis for shopping and gambling! I went to Kansas City for concerts and to amusement parks. I've gone to haunted houses and pumpkin patches and football games. I've gone to weddings, family reunions, picnics, parades and to the state fair. And he was not there for a single one. If you look through any photo album I own, it's pictures of me, or me and my friends and or my and my family or me and my kids. But not him. And THAT, a marriage does not make!

Terrible Tuesdays: Part III

2010-02-02T06:35:00.000-08:00

One of the very worst parts of my Ex was our communication. Or, I guess I should say lack of communication. The guy hated to talk. And he hated to listen. In a nutshell, he hated to communicate. I guess it doesn't take Dr. Phil to see that this isn't stellar. By the end of our marriage we had absolutely nothing to talk about. He sat in front of the TV or in the basement, watching political commentary or historical documentaries all day and all night. And for the record, I'd like to point out that I didn't talk endlessly. I tried to keep things quick, to the point, concise. I didn't give backstory, I didn't ramble on. I knew I had a short window and I tried to Get In/Get Out! The years with him had taught me that. But it didn't matter. He would grimace at having to listen to 20 seconds of anything. I remember one time I was excited about something, I don't even remember now what it was, and I started to tell him about it, and about 10 SECONDS in he just looked at me and said, "Can you get to the point?" That was the last time I honestly cared to share anything with him. And that was about 4 years ago. Since that time I've often felt sorry for my family and close friends, because I know there are times when it would just get bottled up for too long and I'd give them a Verbal Explosion when we'd touch base again. Sorry guys!

To make his point even clearer, anytime we'd get in the car to go more than 15 minutes, he's bring his headphones and put them on as soon as we hit the road. Not the radio. His headphones. I don't even know what he listened to. 8 years of being married to him and I couldn't tell you what kind of music he liked. To my knowledge he hated every kind of music. He hated the radio, he hated CD's, he hated concerts. He just hated music. In the past few years I didn't even try to talk to him in the car, I'd just stare out the window, usually contemplating the tragic turn my life had taken. But still, he wore those damn headphones. It was just the point he was trying to make, "I don't want to talk to you and I'm not going to, so don't even try."

And I'm happy to report, that almost every second I am home or in the car now, I listen to music. I stream it on my phone. I crank my Itunes. I listen to whatever music I want, because I can! He is probably sitting in a basement somewhere grimacing and he's not sure why!!

2010-02-01T07:01:00.000-08:00

So, Taylor Swift won the big Grammy award of the night. I have to admit, the teeny bopper in me likes her! She very talented, writing her own music and actually playing instruments. It's refreshing in an era where most post stars are underaged girls with implants and no musical ability, so their voices are synthesized beyong recognition. Her music is light and fun and about simple things like love! And I think that it doesn't matter how old you are, or what path you've taken in life, who can't remember what it feels like to be so in love?

Like only a friend can say it...

2010-01-27T07:08:00.000-08:00

I was talking to one of my best friends the other night. And she was listening to music and she stopped and said, "God, this song has always reminded me of you. Your life, your marriage. I get so sad everytime I hear it." I asked her what song. She is one of the few people in my life that knew me BH (Before Him). And what she said just killed me. She said, "it's like he sucked the life out of you, the happiness out of you. Just like the song, he tore your wings off, broke you down. I'm just so excited to think that now you can get your "song" back."

It's one of those things only a great friend can say. And when they say something like that, you listen to them. And when they believe in you, you know you're going to make it.

Terrible Tuesdays: Part II

2010-01-26T14:31:00.000-08:00

Back by popular demand, I give you Terrible Tuesdays, Part II. There are so many topics to cover I simply asked a friend to give me a topic. They said "food" so I give you some terrible happenings around "food!"

First of all, in just general terribleness, the Ex was a terrible eater. He was picky and really only liked junk food. For almost my entire married life I've eaten meals alone and eaten a different meal than my husband nearly every dinner. It didn't matter what I made, what I tried, or how I tried to make something he'd like- he'd not only refuse to eat it- but refuse to try it. We never once cooked a meal together (maybe he browned hamburger).

On more occasions that I can count, I'd made something that I thought he'd like (meaning no vegetables, no spices, etc), and he'd LOOK at it and say, "I'm just going to make a frozen pizza." It's not like I was making Spinach Quiche for him to try (which by the way I would like), we're talking BASIC things- meatloaf, spaghetti, baked chicken. I can't even tell you how much food I threw away in discouragement. I've heard of husbands trying food just so their wives wouldn't feel bad or even (GASP!) saying something was decent when they didn't love it. I really don't expect someone to lie to me, I always say you can't really help what your tastebuds like, it's nothing personal. But that concept, of a person even THINKING about my feelings in that situation, is so foreign!

One food he did like was homemade pizza. But there were parameters. I couldn't put the toppings I liked on my half because the pizza cutter my accidentall touch them and then the flavor might seep on to his side. If I wanted those toppings, I could wait until it was cooked and sliced, and then put my toppings on and microwave it. Have you ever had microwaved toppings? They're not really cooked or flavorful. And they're rubbery. Bastard!

He also bitched relentlessly about the smell of food. It just so happens I love steamed vegetables. And he hates them. So, if I wanted to have them for supper I would come home at lunch time and cook them. Then I'd immediately wash all the dishes. I'd open the windows. I'd turn on the vent fan. I'd light a candle. I'd put my veggies in tupperware in the fridge to reheat later that night. And 5 hours later when he got home, instead of hello, or how was your day, without fail I'd get, "Jesus! Did you cook some nasty vegetable in here today?" Yes... hope you had a great day too honey. I'll admit, I don't love the smell of tuna, and that was the one food he liked that I didn't care for. He'd open a can, leave it sittin out, leave a spoon all smeared with tuna in the sink and I'd never say a word. I'd wait until he was occupied elsewhere and wash them and put them away. Why? Because I think it's mean to be rude to your partner about things like that!

And in the category of food, there is going out to eat (which really could be it's own category). He hated going out to eat. Didn't matter the occassion. Birthdays, anniversary's, holidays. He hated sitting at a table, he hated waiting for the food, he hated all of it. He hated anything that didn't involve sitting at home watching TV. He'd sit at a table at a resaurant and just grimace, waiting for his food. He didn't want to talk, he didn't want to enjoy it. He didn't want to order a drink just to enjoy some time before the food came, or GOD FORBID after you finished eating! So instead of dealing with this, we just never went out to eat. It didn't matter that I wanted to. It didn't matter if it was an occasion for me. It really didn't matter who the occasion was for- he wasn't going to do it. He skipped so many family events in the name of "who wants to sit around and get food poisoning from over-priced food at some trendy joint with an ignorant waiter?" I've probably gone out to dinner more times in the past 4 months than I have in the past 4 years- and THAT is no exaggeration!

I've had some great food and great company! I've really been missing a lot! Maybe I'm crazy, but isn't there something fun about going somewhere new? Trying a new food, or a favorite food a new way? Isn't it nice to interact with people while you relax with a glass of wine at the end of a week?

Closing in...

2010-01-22T06:45:00.001-08:00

My divorce is nearing completion. After months of the toughest battle I could have ever imagined, I am perhaps weeks away from closing that chapter of my life. One thing that runs through my head a lot, is "what went wrong?" What magical thing did my marriage lack, that others don't?

I know there were a lot of things. I don't think we were a match made in heaven from the start. But after lots of thinking, I think I can pinpoint one of the things that bothered me most. I know a couple, and while he's not perfect and she's not perfect, and as a pair they aren't perfect, they have this amazing quality that my marriage always lacked. They support each other 100%. And it's the type of support that you can easily see as a bystander. When he runs in a race, a race he has no intention of "winning," she fights crowds and heat just to be there to cheer him on. When she talks about going for a promotion at work, he gets excited and wants to know more about it and says she should go for it, she's the best person for the job! When his favorite team is playing for a Superbowl spot, she busts out her jersey and cheers with him the whole game. Maybe she doesn't care about football or that team, but she does care about him and what's important to him. Or when her family has a tradition of going camping, even though he grew up never camping and maybe doesn't even love it, he gets excited about going together to pick out a camper because he knows she'll love it and they can enjoy it together!

I've heard before that the good things in life aren't worth anything if you don't have someone to share them with. Well, I think you can be in a relationship and still not have that person. When I used to play in the annual Iowa Games sports festival, the Ex would never come watch me compete. It was hot and humid and probably really boring. But when I won the tournament, he wasn't there to see it. My family was, but not him. That other couple I know, if it had been one of them, the other would be cheering them every point of that final game, excited to let the world know that that is their partner out there doing something cool.

I worked on my MBA for 3 years. It sucked so bad, I really hated every second of it. The day I graduated the Ex was such an asshole. He bitched and moaned about going to an hour-long ceremony. 3 years of late nights, driving, and studying and he was going to have to sit through an hour. The other couple was there that day too. But when he walked across the stage his spouse was cheering him on and taking pictures. She was so proud of him and wasn't afraid for him to know it. My husband skipped the party afterwards.

When I got a job offer from an international organization that would have been a big promotion, the Ex was snide. He was rude and negative about the whole thing. Regardless of whether I wanted to take the job or not, he couldn't have forced himself to say one nice thing about it and he didn't.

When I think of any of my proudest moments. The things I've tried and succeeded at, and even the things I failed at, I was there alone for all of them. When I look at that other couple, I see how it's supposed to be. If he were to sign up for a hot dog eating contest... at a state fair... I know without a doubt she'd be there. She might think it's the stupidest thing on the planet, but she'd be there, cheering him on, because that's what partners do. They don't decide for you if its a worthy event, they support you REGARDLESS of if it's their cup of tea. I know that couple isn't perfect. But I think at the end of each day, they really go to bed knowing that the person lying next to them is in their corner, regardless of the fight, regardless of the event. When you don't have that in a partner, what do you really have?