falling all over again!

What an incredible fall it has been!



I sent my oldest daughter off to first grade and she is doing so great and loving school!!! She’s so sweet and smart and makes me so proud every day! She is growing so fast and there are days I get some glimpses into what she will look and be like when she’s older. It’s terrifying and wonderful all at once!

And my youngest child, my sweet baby, has her 3rd birthday coming up. She has absolutely captured my heart in every way! She is so funny and has such a personality! I want to bottle her up and never let her grow up! Every thing she says is funny, the way she says it is funny and the faces she makes are funny! Be still my heart! She got potty trained early this fall and she is starting to lose that baby look!

My wonderful boyfriend and I had a great little trip to Vegas over Labor Day to celebrate the wedding of some close friends. It was so much fun and a beautiful celebration! I played in a nice little women’s poker tournament through the Ladies International Poker Series (LIPS) and got first place! We enjoyed great food and spent time the way we love to spend it!



We also love to take in the Iowa City atmosphere on Hawkeye game days, and this past weekend I got my first glimpse inside of Kinnick stadium. It was so much fun!!! I even recently referred to the Florida Gators as “we are playing our 3rd string quarterback.” Yes, I have officially inherited his team.






But really, it’s the day to day things that have me on cloud nine! The anniversary passed recently of when I moved out and filed for divorce several years ago. Sometimes it’s hard to believe it’s been that long and sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago! But it was a time for reflection, on how much my life has changed.

I remember how often I was filled with such hopelessness back then. I would cry and feel so alone- and wonder how I could bear a lifetime of such despair. Because I was truly resigned to that being my fate. No choices. No divorce. Ever. I wondered if my children would see the sadness etched in my face. If I would grow old and regret having not been loved.

But then thanks to the advice and influence of a great marriage counselor (or I guess in this case… divorce counselor???), I finally had the courage and mindset to change my life. And I have never regretted it!

Now, in my favorite season, I sit on the deck on brisk fall mornings and enjoy brunch with the love of my life. I travel and see the world. I get to discuss life and worries and joys and everything in between. My “family” has expanded to include so many wonderful people! I have unconditional support in every endeavor I undertake. I have someone who sits on 3 hours car rides and doesn’t even flinch when I play my favorite CD- consisting of Johnny Cash, Loretta Lynn and Conway Twitty- the entire trip. I have someone who misses me when I’m gone and who works hard to make me smile. Someone who I would do anything to make smile. My very favorite times are when we have a great family dinner, tuck the kids in, DVR our favorite shows, share some wine, and snuggle up. I want to go back and hug my former self from 3 years ago- and say, "Trust me. True happiness is coming. Just be patient."

It’s just so freaking amazing.

Please. Stop.

Dear Fredericks of Hollywood,

Safe to say you can stop marketing your slutty Halloween costumes to my inbox. I appreciate the constant reminder that I can’t pull that stuff off, I do. But, let’s part ways amicably. By amicably I mean I will not deface your advertising with graffiti. OK, I might still do that. I feel like none of us wants to look at those picture perfect bodies- who’s with me!!?? (crickets…)

When you come up with a pumpkin-shaped costume with lots of stuffing in the midsection, call me.

Regards,

Early-thirties mom. Late twenties lady. Who has breast feed two children.With perky but small (ish) assets. With a muffin top like you wouldn’t believe. Who could stand to focus on the core a little more.

Shut your face and bring me my eggs.

Me to waitress: “OK, I’d like the Classic Sampler. With an extra egg.”

Me: (feeling her long pause and scrutiny regarding my excess) “I’m kind of doing a protein diet. Thing.”

Waitress: “Well it’s supposed to come with hashbrowns, so I can sub those for something else.”

Me: Whatever Captain Literal. I said ‘kind of.’ “No. That’s ok, hashbrowns are ok.”

Waitress: “Well I can sub in bacon. Or another egg or something.”

Me: (I feel like she brought up another egg to be particularly smart-assish) “Just bring the hashbrowns.”

And after all of this, I had to discreetly order my pumpkin spike muffin at the cashier’s desk instead of with her and her harsh judging ways.

The meaning of the season.

We walked into Walmart today and they had their Christmas trees up. I said to my sweet girls whimsically, “Ohhhhh! I love Christmas! And decorating! And baking! And seeing family! And just everything about it!”

To which my 6 year old says…“Oh Mommy!! I love Christmas too! I want to tell you all of my favorite holidays!” (as a side bar: I could say that I love picking up dog poo with my bare fingers in 100 degree heat and my precious girl would say, “Me too Mommy! I love touching hot mushy feces too! Kids are cool that way.)

I say, “Great, tell me your five favorite holidays and WHY they are your favorite.”

And Here. We. Go…

“Well Mommy, Christmas is my favorite! Because we get lots of stuff!”

“And then I love Easter too, because the Easter Bunny brings us lots of stuff!”

“And then I love the 4th of July!” (And here I am beaming with pride because finally we are getting to the good stuff- the spending time with family, picnics, kind of stuff ) and she says, “I love all of the parades that we can go to and they throw lots of stuff at us!”

“And then I love Halloween! Because we dress up and people give us lots of stuff!”

“And last I love Valentine’s Day! Because we get to cut out lots of paper hearts and show so many people how much we LOVE them!!” (and here my just melts and how stinkin’ sweet my little girl is) and then she says, “and we give them a heart and then they give us lots of stuff!”

Dog-gone-it!

I’ll just get right to the shocking news of the day. All of a sudden, after years of resistance, I think I want a dog. A face-licking, shoe-chomping, pee-when-you’re-excited, mangy-breathed, butt-sniffing, food-stealing, take-me-for-a-walk-when-it’s-negative-7 degrees, MUTT. Well… I guess when you say it like THAT…

And now that my heart it warming up to the idea, everyone- and, well, their dog- is trying to talk me out of it. It’s starting to kind of give me a complex. I don't mean one friend. I mean 3 friends. And a brother. And a mom. And a clerk at Walmart, who fankly, can mind his own pimply-faced business, pardon my rudeness. I’m raising two kids. Two GREAT, happy, healthy, smart, funny, sweet, kids. And I keep hearing, “dogs are a lot of work.” “Dogs need attention.” It’s like people think they are talking to Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum! Are we some how giving off the vibe that we are incapable of acting grown up? I don’t mind the feedback at all- that’s not what I mean. I know everyone wants the best for us! And Lord knows, people are right, we like to have fun! We like to travel, we like to play cards, we like to go out to eat, we like to watch football. But we also really like to stay at home. We like to grill out. We like to have friends over. We like to snuggle up on the couch and see what gems our DVR has in store for us. We DO like to have fun, that is true. But at the end of the day, we are just two people, raising a family, our way, in our little corner of the world.

And really, I don’t need a dog for me. But I want a dog for my family. My nontraditional family. And yes, with a pet, comes responsibility. But it also brings togetherness. Picnics. Walks. Funny pictures. Snuggles on the couch. Stories years later. And it might mean sacrificing an impromptu weekend away. But that might also mean a great weekend home as a family. There are some parts of a traditional family my children will never have now. There are people in their lives they will never be able to count on. But adding the love of a fuzzy, loyal “furry little brother” might just might be something they need- it might be something we all need.

I leave you with this, those tempting little mug shots that are taunting me lately

living with the cards your dealt

I’m a card player. I’ve always enjoyed cards. Growing up, my dad liked 5-card draw, my mom liked cribbage. My dad took me to the horse track when I was 5 years old, showed me the names of the horses and started my first gambling bank roll. I went home $17 dollars richer that day, shoved those winnings into a coffee can, and my love for the gamble was solidified forever.

Now, poker is my game of choice; for so many reasons, too many to mention on this blog today. I like to watch it, play it, read about it, and study it. It’s the perfect mix of math and odds/analysis and reading people and making moves based on perceptions. There is more strategy than luck, hands down. And it’s not a bad way to supplement income.

All that being said, I’ve always thought it’s a bit of an injustice that I have a love of and skill set to play this game, and God gave me just one hand to do it. Because more often than not, I am sitting at a table and every 8th hand or so, it’s my turn to shuffle. And almost nothing is worse to me than having to ask for help. Asking for help to count my millions? Good kind of help. Asking for help in deciding what kind of pizza to gorge myself on? OK, good kind of help. Asking for help because I physically can’t do something: bad kind of help. And there is no way around it, in that setting, I have to ask for help. I have to do it publicly, and everyone there sees it, and they have to help me over and over again all night. Stab, stab, stab. An annoying little knife in my pride, over and over and over. Now I know it’s not really putting any one out that much to shuffle for me. I am pretty sure on a few occasions, some of the older gentlemen kind of like it. They get to be my knight in shining armor for a few hours, until I graciously bat my eyes at them and knock their butt out of the tournament.

Now, objectively, pride aside, I know a lot of times it actually benefits me. I walk into a poker tournament, and right away I am different. In a world of crotchety, wrinkly men chewing on a cigar around a table, I am all high heels and highlights and lip gloss and smokey makeup. And then I sit down and I am smiling and then next thing you know, I have to ask for help shuffling…. Their perception of me is inexperienced. Unassuming. And that assumption helps me more than you can know. I have an instant advantage in bluffing, stealing blinds, knowing when to trap and when to take it down, determining pot odds that entice them to call or almost force them to fold. And as long as they underestimate my knowledge of the game, I have a distinct advantage. I have no doubt that contributes to my success as a live tournament player. I acknowledge and embrace this fact.

But, several times recently, I’ve been at tables where there is a man who cannot shuffle. Most often it’s because disease has wracked his body. Arthritis. Or a stroke. They are sometimes middle-aged men, but they have their walkers or wheelchairs, and they struggle as they wrestle with the half of their body that no longer works correctly. And I watch them and I think how lucky I am. I’ve never been able to shuffle. But when I push the last of my chips in and walk away from the table, I have my legs. I have walks with my children. I have running. I have games of tag, climb to the top bunk, sand in the toes, run alongside the toddler using training wheels kind of joy. And I watch those men. And they have to ask for help too. But they don’t have lip gloss and a perception of naivety about them. They are just broken men, that also have to swallow their pride to continue to play a game they love. And in the end, it just makes me say, “Thank you God. For giving me the many shortfalls AND skills and blessings that I do have. And also thank you for having those pocket J’s hold up, that was nice too.”