Last year I ran the Dam to Dam, a 20K race. And for me, it was a big deal. I'm not a "runner" type, so to run 12 and a half miles was monumental. And I had a lot of people say, "Why are you doing it then? That sounds miserable..." And the day I ran it- truthfully, it WAS kind of miserable. But here's the reason why I ran it: I committed to running that race shortly after I filed for divorce. And I guess in a way it was my way of saying, "I'm different now. I might have been weak in some ways, but now I'm strong enough to do things I couldn't do before." And maybe that means forcing my body to do things physically it couldn't do before, and maybe it means having the strength to leave a really bad situation.
I guess as I've gone through this journey I've realized a few things. There's a reason I've had to pull myself up, prove myself. Because I was in a bad situation- and living in it daily, it was really hard to see that.
I heard one of my new favorite songs on the radio the other day, Jar of Hearts. And as I listened to the lyrics, I realized why it struck such a chord with me. It's about someone in a bad situation. It doesn't specify, and it doesn't have to. It could refer to a physically abusive relationship, or just an emotionally abusive one. And there's one part in particular, where she talks about having lived "half a life." When you are in a situation like that, your true self gets sucked away. You forget how to be YOU. And how once you finally get the strength to get out, the person may go to great lengths to bring you down again. And in the song, the Independence and strength win out. And that is why I love it. She says, "It took so long just to feel alright, remember how to put back the light in my eyes." And one of my very best friends said those very words to me a year ago- that I finally had a light back in my eyes.
I posted this song last week. But if you didn't listen to it before, take a listen, it's beautiful. And here are the lyrics. And if you hear me complaining about the long miles I'll be running to train for that awful run again- do me a favor and just say "keep it up." Because I'm doing it. I'm doing it for as many years as I am physically able- as a constant reminder that I'll never lose myself- for anyone, or anything- ever again.
LYRICS: Jar of Hearts, Christina Perri
I know I can’t take one more step towards you
cause all that's waiting is regret
don’t you know I’m not your ghost anymore
you lost the love I loved the most
I learned to live, half alive
and now you want me one more time
Who do you think you are?
runnin’ ’round leaving scars
collecting your jar of hearts
tearing love apart
you’re gonna catch a cold
from the ice inside your soul
don’t come back for me
who do you think you are?
I hear you’re asking all around
if i am anywhere to be found
but I have grown too strong
to ever fall back in your arms
I've learned to live, half alive
and now you want me one more time
Who do you think you are?
runnin’ ’round leaving scars
collecting a jar of hearts
and tearing love apart
you’re gonna catch a cold
from the ice inside your soul
don’t come back for me
who do you think you are?
It took so long just to feel alright
remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish i had missed the first time that we kissed
cause you broke all your promises
and now you’re back
you don’t get to get me back
Who do you think you are?
running around leaving scars
collecting a jar of hearts
and tearing love apart
you’re gonna catch a cold
from the ice inside your soul
so don’t come back for me
don't come back at all
Who do you think you are?
Monday, January 31, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Friday fun!
I think I'm probably too old to love this crap... but I do.
Get to see my two best friends tonight! And there's just something about those girlfriends that you've known forever- you can let your guard down 100% and just be yourself. I don't know if we'll laugh or cry or laugh so hard that we cry! But I know it will "fill my tank" until the next time!
Get to see my two best friends tonight! And there's just something about those girlfriends that you've known forever- you can let your guard down 100% and just be yourself. I don't know if we'll laugh or cry or laugh so hard that we cry! But I know it will "fill my tank" until the next time!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
romance
My loyal readers (ahem... all 2 of you) know that I am a long time fan of the show Sex and the City. So if I'm flipping channels and I stumble across it, you can bet I am going to inadvertently stop and catch up with my four TV besties! I've seen every episode (multiple times), but I still love it and have to watch the action unfold!
As I was channel surfing this week I came across an episode where Carrie ponders ROMANCE. And I recently had a talk with a close friend about romance and relationships. And with February and Cupid and all things lovey, dovey, and big chocolate hearts, just around the corner it got me wondering... as you go through life, what do you classify as romantic? And how do some people seem to so effortlessly maintain romance- through decades even?
I've found the definition of romance varies greatly amonst my circle of friends! After my divorce I read the book The Five Love Languages, and it reiterated as much. The gist was that each person has 1-2 "languages" (or things that they most appreciate and respond to). They are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. And a common pitfall amonst relationships is that we never learn our partners language, but try to force on them the things that we ourselves most appreciate, when that thing might not mean much to them at all. I will say it was a great read! After reading the book and even taking the "quiz" at the end, it became pretty apparent to me what my languages are.
Let's face it, I'd take all five or any of the five at any time! But if I HAD to rank, I think my list would go something like this: 1) Words of affirmation (who DOESN'T want to hear that they are a lovely, smart, irresistable creature!), 2) physical touch, 3) quality time, 4) acts of service, 5) receiving gifts.
So I guess what I'm saying is if I had a tropical get away (language 3 and 5), with a loving massage (2 and 4) and was showered with sweet nothings (1)- I'd be a happy girl! In the mean time I'll keep enjoying the things that come my way.
What are your more romantic moments or your "love language?"
Monday, January 24, 2011
wacky kid...
We go to Des Moines a lot, so that means we have lots of interesting "car talk", my two little monkeys and I. Well, recently, the monkey were being APES! Whiny, ornery, loud... all of the things you don't really want in the car! Finally I said- a bit firmly- to my 5 year old:
Me: "Listen! I am very disappointed! You've been whiny and rude this whole car ride! You keep yelling at me, you're not being respectful and you're unappreciative! You've asked for music and your book and your laptop and a juice and chips and crackers and cookies and you're not sharing with your sister and you're both not using your inside voices!"
I said this all in the big one-breath dramatic kind of way that only mothers can do. Because 95% of the time the mommy filter works effectively, where we can just cancel out the white noise of ornery kids in the car. But in the 5% of time wehre I cannot- you get the dramatic, run-on sentence mommy lashing.
She looks at me in the rearview mirror and rather indignantly in a somewhat disgusted voice responds:
"I never asked for crackers..."
And you know what, she's right. Touche' Sassy, you did NOT ask for crackers. Carry on...
Me: "Listen! I am very disappointed! You've been whiny and rude this whole car ride! You keep yelling at me, you're not being respectful and you're unappreciative! You've asked for music and your book and your laptop and a juice and chips and crackers and cookies and you're not sharing with your sister and you're both not using your inside voices!"
I said this all in the big one-breath dramatic kind of way that only mothers can do. Because 95% of the time the mommy filter works effectively, where we can just cancel out the white noise of ornery kids in the car. But in the 5% of time wehre I cannot- you get the dramatic, run-on sentence mommy lashing.
She looks at me in the rearview mirror and rather indignantly in a somewhat disgusted voice responds:
"I never asked for crackers..."
And you know what, she's right. Touche' Sassy, you did NOT ask for crackers. Carry on...
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
I'm gonna say this just once...
I used to say I didn't hate my ex husband. That it took to much energy to hate someone and that he was somehow winning if I gave in to hate.
But the simple truth is that I do. I do hate him and everything he stands for. I hate that he continually hurts my kids and I. I hate that he is so full of anger and hate that he lashes out constantly. That he wants to hurt me so bad- emotionally and financially that he goes to great lengths, EVEN if it hurts him also. I hate that he is so void of compassion. I hate that I ever let him into my life.
He refuses to communicate about our kids. He won't sign important documents. He won't cooperate on selling our house. He won't stop swearing and harassing me. He won't stop showing up where I am or where he thinks I'll be. He won't stop making accusations. But aside from all of those logistical issues, the bottom line is that he is just a monster. And that really is the best word I can come up with. He's treats people awful and in his heart, he is a monster.
I thought once you divorced someone you could move on. But it's not always quite that easy. Attorney's are involved once again. I have no doubt he'll once again be found guilty. We have laws and protections for a reason and eventually, even I (he used to call me a spineless pushover on everything) cave in and exercise those rights.
I'm not spineless and I never have been. I'm forgiving and I want to keep the peace. But there's a breaking point and I've been pushed too far. I'm so sick of the constant disrespect, anger and all out harassment. I'm so sick of the constant hurdles he puts in my path on purpose to make my life harder. I just want my life back. I want all ties with him severed. I want a happy, peaceful life and I shouldn't- a year and a half later- have to pay my attorney thousands of dollars to give me that. But today I do have to.
And like I have said before I'm sickened at our justice system. If you can't afford to pay an attorney thousands of dollars you have no rights. Or as my attorney says, you have rights, you just can't exercise them. I guess that makes me grateful. No doubt, I'd rather save what money I do have. I'd rather spend it on my kids, give them a more secure and comfortable life, take them on a vacation, do something fun, decorate a room- just about anything other than giving it away to someone to protect me against senseless harassment. It's not a choice I want to make- but I guess at least today I'm in a position to even have a choice.
But the simple truth is that I do. I do hate him and everything he stands for. I hate that he continually hurts my kids and I. I hate that he is so full of anger and hate that he lashes out constantly. That he wants to hurt me so bad- emotionally and financially that he goes to great lengths, EVEN if it hurts him also. I hate that he is so void of compassion. I hate that I ever let him into my life.
He refuses to communicate about our kids. He won't sign important documents. He won't cooperate on selling our house. He won't stop swearing and harassing me. He won't stop showing up where I am or where he thinks I'll be. He won't stop making accusations. But aside from all of those logistical issues, the bottom line is that he is just a monster. And that really is the best word I can come up with. He's treats people awful and in his heart, he is a monster.
I thought once you divorced someone you could move on. But it's not always quite that easy. Attorney's are involved once again. I have no doubt he'll once again be found guilty. We have laws and protections for a reason and eventually, even I (he used to call me a spineless pushover on everything) cave in and exercise those rights.
I'm not spineless and I never have been. I'm forgiving and I want to keep the peace. But there's a breaking point and I've been pushed too far. I'm so sick of the constant disrespect, anger and all out harassment. I'm so sick of the constant hurdles he puts in my path on purpose to make my life harder. I just want my life back. I want all ties with him severed. I want a happy, peaceful life and I shouldn't- a year and a half later- have to pay my attorney thousands of dollars to give me that. But today I do have to.
And like I have said before I'm sickened at our justice system. If you can't afford to pay an attorney thousands of dollars you have no rights. Or as my attorney says, you have rights, you just can't exercise them. I guess that makes me grateful. No doubt, I'd rather save what money I do have. I'd rather spend it on my kids, give them a more secure and comfortable life, take them on a vacation, do something fun, decorate a room- just about anything other than giving it away to someone to protect me against senseless harassment. It's not a choice I want to make- but I guess at least today I'm in a position to even have a choice.
I just don't know???
I'm feeling another hair crisis coming on. OK, maybe not FULL on crisis, I mean, let's face it, there's no blue in it or anything...
Maybe crossroads is a better word. I think I need to pick brown or blonde. Right now I'm somewhere in between- meaning, like half and half. Half is blonde, half is brown.
And it's fine I guess. But I'm thinking for right now, one color might suit me better. So, that's the question at hand. I spent the first 30 years of my life being just blonde. The past two years I've had a lot of fun coloring it and mixing up the combinations with lots of darks. So, go back to my "roots" for a while and see what blonde looks like? It's a little damaging to my hair to get there. OR, embrace the new darker me and go dark brown (which is healthier and easier to do)?
I need input here!!!
Dark hair:
And I have'nt had in blonde in quite some time so it's hard to find a decent photo (maybe that's my answer right now- if in my whole library of photos I can't find a decent one with blonde hair!?)
Maybe crossroads is a better word. I think I need to pick brown or blonde. Right now I'm somewhere in between- meaning, like half and half. Half is blonde, half is brown.
And it's fine I guess. But I'm thinking for right now, one color might suit me better. So, that's the question at hand. I spent the first 30 years of my life being just blonde. The past two years I've had a lot of fun coloring it and mixing up the combinations with lots of darks. So, go back to my "roots" for a while and see what blonde looks like? It's a little damaging to my hair to get there. OR, embrace the new darker me and go dark brown (which is healthier and easier to do)?
I need input here!!!
Dark hair:
And I have'nt had in blonde in quite some time so it's hard to find a decent photo (maybe that's my answer right now- if in my whole library of photos I can't find a decent one with blonde hair!?)
Friday, January 14, 2011
Field Trip
Today is my baby girls first kindergarten field trip. I feel like a nervous wreck! It's supposed to be fun, right!? But as her mommy, all I can think is that I am letting someone else, someone I don't even know, drive her somewhere. She'll be in a city and there will be traffic and strangers and all things unknown!
I had a talk with her this morning. I tried to keep it light and exciting but I had to weave in "and you know if a stranger talks to you, you scream for your teacher, right? And you know to follow directions? And you know not to go anywhere by yourself, even to the bathroom? And you know you always look for cars, both ways? And you know not to do something one of your classmates is doing if you know it is wrong? And you now to always sit down on the bus?" I mean, she's never even been on a bus before! She took it all in then said, "Mommy... did you get lost on a field trip when you were little?" I could tell she was getting too serious, as she often does, so I backed off and told her all of the fun things she would do and see and how I LOVED field trips!
I know I need to relax. I know all the colors and sights and sounds will all be so intersting and great for her to experience- in a setting where I am not right there holding her hand. And she was so excited when I dropped her off at school today. She had her special lunch packed and she ran all the way to the school doors- a tiny little person, bag pack weighing her down, scarf and mittens and hat enveloping the last of her little baby face.
But still... it's so hard to let go and to trust that this big world will be safe and good to my little girl.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Back to work!
After 12 days off- today is the first day back to work! I'm holding up ok- especially with this little guy:
What is that you ask? One of my Christmas presents, a travel coffee mug that plugs into the USB port on my laptop to keep my drink eternally hot! I know, score one for Santa!
I had a very nice (and needed) break! I spent time with my closest family, went sledding with my kids, saw my best friends, went to a movie, travelled to see loved ones, and did some home improvement projects.
And now it's 2011. Another new year. And it's as good a time as any to take stock of where I'm at in life and what I need to change. So what am I trying to improve in my life? I'd like to read more to my kids. I'd like to eat better- and not just in a to lose weight kind of way, but in a serious attempt to put as many antioxidants into my body (and the little bodies of my kids) so we can do as much as possible to fight off the evil diseases of the world. I'll continue to run, maybe 2-3 races a year. Of course, I'd love to get my house sold (yep, the one that's been on the market since pre-divorce... same one). Not a lot I can do to control that one, but I can still hope and wish it will happen soon! A remarkable weight would be lifted off of my shoulders if and when that happens! I'd like to see my best friends and family more often! I always enjoy their company so much, it's terrible to let being busy be an excuse to not get together! I have some amazing people in my life- people who are kind and funny and who never let me down. That makes me the luckiest girl in the world!
What is that you ask? One of my Christmas presents, a travel coffee mug that plugs into the USB port on my laptop to keep my drink eternally hot! I know, score one for Santa!
I had a very nice (and needed) break! I spent time with my closest family, went sledding with my kids, saw my best friends, went to a movie, travelled to see loved ones, and did some home improvement projects.
And now it's 2011. Another new year. And it's as good a time as any to take stock of where I'm at in life and what I need to change. So what am I trying to improve in my life? I'd like to read more to my kids. I'd like to eat better- and not just in a to lose weight kind of way, but in a serious attempt to put as many antioxidants into my body (and the little bodies of my kids) so we can do as much as possible to fight off the evil diseases of the world. I'll continue to run, maybe 2-3 races a year. Of course, I'd love to get my house sold (yep, the one that's been on the market since pre-divorce... same one). Not a lot I can do to control that one, but I can still hope and wish it will happen soon! A remarkable weight would be lifted off of my shoulders if and when that happens! I'd like to see my best friends and family more often! I always enjoy their company so much, it's terrible to let being busy be an excuse to not get together! I have some amazing people in my life- people who are kind and funny and who never let me down. That makes me the luckiest girl in the world!
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