realizations

Last year I ran the Dam to Dam, a 20K race. And for me, it was a big deal. I'm not a "runner" type, so to run 12 and a half miles was monumental. And I had a lot of people say, "Why are you doing it then? That sounds miserable..." And the day I ran it- truthfully, it WAS kind of miserable. But here's the reason why I ran it: I committed to running that race shortly after I filed for divorce. And I guess in a way it was my way of saying, "I'm different now. I might have been weak in some ways, but now I'm strong enough to do things I couldn't do before." And maybe that means forcing my body to do things physically it couldn't do before, and maybe it means having the strength to leave a really bad situation.

I guess as I've gone through this journey I've realized a few things. There's a reason I've had to pull myself up, prove myself. Because I was in a bad situation- and living in it daily, it was really hard to see that.

I heard one of my new favorite songs on the radio the other day, Jar of Hearts. And as I listened to the lyrics, I realized why it struck such a chord with me. It's about someone in a bad situation. It doesn't specify, and it doesn't have to. It could refer to a physically abusive relationship, or just an emotionally abusive one. And there's one part in particular, where she talks about having lived "half a life." When you are in a situation like that, your true self gets sucked away. You forget how to be YOU. And how once you finally get the strength to get out, the person may go to great lengths to bring you down again. And in the song, the Independence and strength win out. And that is why I love it. She says, "It took so long just to feel alright, remember how to put back the light in my eyes." And one of my very best friends said those very words to me a year ago- that I finally had a light back in my eyes.


I posted this song last week. But if you didn't listen to it before, take a listen, it's beautiful. And here are the lyrics. And if you hear me complaining about the long miles I'll be running to train for that awful run again- do me a favor and just say "keep it up." Because I'm doing it. I'm doing it for as many years as I am physically able- as a constant reminder that I'll never lose myself- for anyone, or anything- ever again.


LYRICS: Jar of Hearts, Christina Perri
I know I can’t take one more step towards you
cause all that's waiting is regret
don’t you know I’m not your ghost anymore
you lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live, half alive
and now you want me one more time

Who do you think you are?
runnin’ ’round leaving scars
collecting your jar of hearts
tearing love apart
you’re gonna catch a cold
from the ice inside your soul
don’t come back for me
who do you think you are?

I hear you’re asking all around
if i am anywhere to be found
but I have grown too strong
to ever fall back in your arms

I've learned to live, half alive
and now you want me one more time

Who do you think you are?
runnin’ ’round leaving scars
collecting a jar of hearts
and tearing love apart
you’re gonna catch a cold
from the ice inside your soul
don’t come back for me
who do you think you are?

It took so long just to feel alright
remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish i had missed the first time that we kissed
cause you broke all your promises
and now you’re back
you don’t get to get me back

Who do you think you are?
running around leaving scars
collecting a jar of hearts
and tearing love apart
you’re gonna catch a cold
from the ice inside your soul
so don’t come back for me
don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?