it's the little things

It's jeans day at work. And I am disproportionately happy about it.

I have a love for my jeans. Some of you may remember this post: http://gostorm.blogspot.com/2008/09/lonely-heart.html

written at a time when I was LONGING to wear them.

I am happy to report that not only is it jeans day today. But that pair I used to love so much from that old blog post... they are way too big today! The only sad part is that I longer have a "go to" pair. That perfect pair that goes with you everywhere. But I'm a fighter. I will conquer every mall in my path until I someday find the new perfect pair.

Results

A few of you have asked about my brother and knew he was getting his biopsy results today. I got the call a little while ago. I was prepared for anything and I told myself I was mentally ready and I wasn’t going to breakdown, regardless of the news. But that wasn’t true. Because I did break down. I did stop and just cry for a second as I listened to him tell me the news. Because the tumor is benign. It’s not cancer. I can’t believe it, and I know he couldn’t either. He said even the doctor was shocked and baffled with the turn of events.

Right now, they don’t know what it is. The doctor thinks a rare virus that is attacking his lymphatic system (hence the spots on both sides of the neck and now the chest- where there are lymph nodes). He’ll be seeing a specialist to try to get it diagnosed and treated. I’ve never had any doubt he can fight illness. I just didn’t want that fight to be for his life. But in the grand scheme of things, we obviously feel like we’ve won the lottery. Because for the time being we are done talking about stages and types and growth rates and treatments. Thank you for your support and prayers! For whatever reason, we’ve been spared this hardship right now and it’s nothing short of a miracle!

Today all I can say is God is good. And we are blessed. And we'll all sleep sounder tonight, pray harder and hold our loved ones closer.

Waiting...

Five times I've written about cancer on this blog. Never because someone had it. But simply because I feared it. Because it's random and awful and prevalent. It's unfair and mysterious. And it's sneaky and swift. And it's undiscriminating. Because I hate it. Four months ago I wrote these words: "I hate cancer. I feel like cancer either has taken- or will take- everyone in this world that I care about. When I pray at night, I literally thank God that another day went by that no one got in a car accident, and no one got cancer. I want to make sure He knows, that I don't take that for granted. I try to fully appreciate each happy moment, each warm touch, each day with my loved ones."

And 10 times I've blogged about being thankful. Thankful first and foremost for the health of my loved ones. I have a saying I love, and I even have it on my living room wall. "Never take health, happiness or love for granted." And I guess deep down I thought maybe in God's big ledger book he'd be keeping tabs. He'd see that I wasn't taking it for granted that my family was healthy. And maybe I'd get some "brownie points" for being thankful. Sort of like, "Hey, I can pass her by when I'm handing out hardships today, she's clearly already very grateful for the blessings in her life. No lessons to force upon her today." And on he'd move... to someone else.

I may have been a religion major in college, but even I know there's not a lot of sound theology in that argument. But it has suited me fairly well so far in life, so I just kept on. Kept on praying, kept on being thankful. Kept on saying, "see, I'm still grateful down here, no need to pay me any attention."

And now there's a big hole in my theory. It was a year ago that I wrote this:
"1) Health. My friends and family have come through another year. It was about a year ago my mom was in the hospital with emergency surgery. I knew with every fiber of my being they were doing to find some large tumor or tell us she had progressed cancer. In the end, she didn't and she is fully recovered now. But it's a reminder, that in the blink of an eye lives changes. Sickness comes. A diagnosis can change everything. I am so thankful that unlike thousands of other people in the world today, I am not bent over a hospital bed, praying for a miracle today."

And it was three months ago that I wrote this: "Life is short and it's precious. And the fact is, it's fragile and it can be ripped away in a heartbeat. Take a minute to take stock of your relationships and enjoy all the good that the people in your life have to offer!"

And despite my wacky theories, hardships do come. They have come. I guess you can't hide forever.

And right now we wait. We wait until tomorrow to see if this swift, sneaky enemy is going to come into our lives. The wait is awful. But I guess it could be a blessing too. We have 24 more hours to pretend that things are as they always have been.

Life is short. Eat dessert first.

It's the little things that make me so thankful.

Today I was blessed with a birthday morning surprise: a piece of triple layer chocolate torte cake. Wow. And it was so thoughtful, it just warmed my heart. It was just one of those gestures that shows someone knows you, and more importantly, wants to make you smile. And it certainly did.




And that's saying something because I don't feel like smiling today. My only sibling is lying in a hospital having a surgical biopsy to determine the shape his life will take.

So having that slice of chocolate heaven given to me this morning was more than just an outrageously sinful but wonderful breakfast. It was a reminder that there are things and people to still smile about.

I've sprung a leak...

I would say all in all in life, my threshold for dealing with tough things is pretty high. Like anyone, things can get me a little crabby or a give me concern. I worry and I pray, but all in all, I think I don't invite drama into my life. I went through an awful divorce (emphasis on the AWFUL)- fairly unscathed. I've been financially put through the ringer after the costly divorce and paying for two houses for over a year- it's not always easy but I keep it in perspective. It's just money. And someday I'll have more of it and I'll probably buy more things, but really, it's not life altering.

But once in awhile something comes along that rocks your world. Something that in terms of "perspective," is truly about as bad as it gets.

And all I can say is I guess in really hard situations, with the very most important things at stake, I'm really not all that tough. Case in point: I was at the gym yesterday. And tears leaked down my face as I was using the leg press. I mean- the LEG PRESS! One second I'm focusing on just finishing a set and the next second my mascara is smearing.

That's the funny thing. The weight of worry can just overwelm me at any second. And I guess that's why I'm writing this. This is my official warning: I have sprung a leak. And I very well might do it in front of you. And then I'll wipe my tears away and I'll go back to lifting weights and you can pretend you didn't see a thing. And I would say for awhile, that's just how things are going to be.