If you could watch a video of my life exactly 1 year ago today, it's amazing what you'd see. I lived a life of such sadness. You'd see a person who was filled with despair at the turns my life I had taken. I was in such an unhappy marriage. Every year at our annual weekend away, my best girlfriends, for YEARS, would sit me down and look me in the eyes and say "What are you doing! Leave him! Get on with your life! He's miserable and you are miserable with him! You're not doing your kids any favors by giving them this model of a relationship to follow." And yet I stayed. Year after year I stayed in it. I was so afraid of leaving. Afraid of hurting someone else. Too cowardly to take the next step. Too afraid of the unknowns- where would I live, how would I raise my kids, what if I wasn't strong enough? And maybe worst of all, could I hurt someone else?
And then one day last August I just got the nerve. It was like a volcano that had been brewing for so long and once it was going to blow, there was no stopping it. I discussed it with a marriage counselor. After ONE session she was 100% convinced that I needed to leave and really start living. I discussed it with my friends, and I discussed it with my family. I had 100% unanimous support: it was time to leave. And so I talked to a lawyer, I split our assets in half and I came home one night and just told him. And that was the day my life really changed.
I don't want to recount every horror since that day. But I will say, in the past 8 months, things have been hell. If I was afraid to tell him, well, I under estimated his reaction. I've endured every insult in the books. I've been humiliated. My name has been trashed. My children have been manipulated. I've been financially devastated. I've laid awake at night and wondered how I'd ever see it through.
I've been beyond frustrated with our legal system.
I'm glad I didn't know how awful it was going to be- the levels that a person can go to, the way they can harden their heart and let hate overcome them. Because I don't know how I could have had the courage on the front end. All I can say, is around every corner I had 100% support from my loved ones! They listened to me, they knew when to be frustrated with me and they knew when to talk me down from the ledge!
And TODAY- it all came to a close. He finally signed the divorce decree, and a judge signed off on it. And I really am not eloquent enough to put into words the way I feel. I want to cry I'm so happy. I feel like I could fly. I feel like the weight of the world is off of me. When I look back at the person I was a year ago, sitting on the front porch on a warm spring night, staring at the stars and praying for a life miracle, I want to go there and just whisper, "It's ok. Things are going to get better one day and you're going to make it through."
I feel like when I was a kid and learned to ride a bike with no hands- and the wind was just in your face and it felt like you really were flying! Or when I was in college and we took a road trip with no particular destination, but just a day of fun and joy heading into the unknown! Or when I'd rub my hand over my big pregnant belly and the anticipation just about killed me because I knew something great was coming.
Maybe you can't know. Maybe I can't ever get the right words. I've heard it said that no outsider can EVER judge someone else's marriage because only those two people ever really know what it was like on the inside. You have the couple that people think you are, and then you have the real you. That's a very true statement.
I'm so thankful to be starting the rest of my life today. Today is day one...
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Sunday, May 16, 2010
You're not MY mother!
I'd say there's any awful lot of people in this world- maybe more so males... that have that attitude on Mother's Day, "well, you're not MY mother, why would I do anything for YOU!?"
And I can't EXACTLY blame them. I mean, they aren't mother's themselves (unless they are that sex change guy that gave birth like a year ago, then they might be). So they don't always really GET everything that entails. I could spend pages and blogs talking about what all it means to be a mother but in the end, either you get it or you don't, and know amount of my soap-boxin' is going to change anyone's mind.
So, it's refreshing when someone (someone who didn't originate from your very own baby cabin)goes out of their way to make you feel special on Mother's Day. And that's exactly what happened to me this year!
I was greeted with a HUGE bar of dark chocolate, my very fave! AND a gorgeous potted flowering plant, an Orange Star I think it was called? AND a new driver, for playing golf. I then got to go out and play a round with the new club! My score wasn't necessarily indicative of the potential the club has... And best of all, it all came from my boyfriend, who knew having a Mother's Day without my kids was going to be really tough. It was so wonderful and refreshing, to be thought of! It turned out to be a really great day!
I've spent many Mother's Days (and birthdays and Valentine's Days and anniversaries and...) being completely disregarded and really fending for myself. If I heard it once I heard it a hundred times, "you can't expect life to be a romance novel!" Well, turns out... maybe you can! ;) I always try very hard not to take people or happiness for granted. And I can truly say, I'm blessed and I KNOW it!!
And I can't EXACTLY blame them. I mean, they aren't mother's themselves (unless they are that sex change guy that gave birth like a year ago, then they might be). So they don't always really GET everything that entails. I could spend pages and blogs talking about what all it means to be a mother but in the end, either you get it or you don't, and know amount of my soap-boxin' is going to change anyone's mind.
So, it's refreshing when someone (someone who didn't originate from your very own baby cabin)goes out of their way to make you feel special on Mother's Day. And that's exactly what happened to me this year!
I was greeted with a HUGE bar of dark chocolate, my very fave! AND a gorgeous potted flowering plant, an Orange Star I think it was called? AND a new driver, for playing golf. I then got to go out and play a round with the new club! My score wasn't necessarily indicative of the potential the club has... And best of all, it all came from my boyfriend, who knew having a Mother's Day without my kids was going to be really tough. It was so wonderful and refreshing, to be thought of! It turned out to be a really great day!
I've spent many Mother's Days (and birthdays and Valentine's Days and anniversaries and...) being completely disregarded and really fending for myself. If I heard it once I heard it a hundred times, "you can't expect life to be a romance novel!" Well, turns out... maybe you can! ;) I always try very hard not to take people or happiness for granted. And I can truly say, I'm blessed and I KNOW it!!
Saturday, May 8, 2010
On mothering
Well, in 2005, I became a mother, and naturally, I wrote about it:
http://gostorm.blogspot.com/2008/05/day-i-became-mother.html
In 2008 I became a mother for a 2nd time and I wrote about it again:
http://gostorm.blogspot.com/2008/12/well-here-it-is.html
And now here I am. And things are quite a bit different than they were. Tomorrow is Mother's Day and because of the evils of how this divorce has progressed, I really won't get to see my babies, except to pick them up in the evening after their weekend with "Daddy," and get them home and tuck them in. It's discouraging no doubt. I'm frustrated with the whole process! The courts, the lawyers, but most of all, the Ex.
But no matter how hard he tries, he can't take away the relationship I have with my girls. We've been forced, by circumstance, hardships and roadblocks, to ban together in a a whole new way. We are closer than ever before, and any doubts I ever had about my ability to raise them successfully by myself, or their ability to come out of this happy and healthy, have been erased. They are so strong and resilient and I know the three of us can face anything. So I may not get to be with them on Mother's Day this year, but everyday is really our day. I'll be thinking of them and will cherish their little kisses tomorrow night and thank God for blessing me so much!
http://gostorm.blogspot.com/2008/05/day-i-became-mother.html
In 2008 I became a mother for a 2nd time and I wrote about it again:
http://gostorm.blogspot.com/2008/12/well-here-it-is.html
And now here I am. And things are quite a bit different than they were. Tomorrow is Mother's Day and because of the evils of how this divorce has progressed, I really won't get to see my babies, except to pick them up in the evening after their weekend with "Daddy," and get them home and tuck them in. It's discouraging no doubt. I'm frustrated with the whole process! The courts, the lawyers, but most of all, the Ex.
But no matter how hard he tries, he can't take away the relationship I have with my girls. We've been forced, by circumstance, hardships and roadblocks, to ban together in a a whole new way. We are closer than ever before, and any doubts I ever had about my ability to raise them successfully by myself, or their ability to come out of this happy and healthy, have been erased. They are so strong and resilient and I know the three of us can face anything. So I may not get to be with them on Mother's Day this year, but everyday is really our day. I'll be thinking of them and will cherish their little kisses tomorrow night and thank God for blessing me so much!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)