I know I haven't posted the much promised birth story yet. But I was a little worried wondering just how much my readers wanted to know about the relative "ripening" or lack there of of my cervix. So, let's just set some ground rules right now. If you are A) Squeamish about
girly things B) pregnant or trying to have a baby in the next year, or C) a man, then just quit reading right now because I can assure you, you are not going to like what I have to say. That being said, let's get on with it.
As many of you know, I was scheduled to begin my devil's own personal form of torture induction on Tuesday evening, November 11th. So we'll start there. We arrived at 7 PM for our induction. I should have known things were going to be rocky when it took 4 attempts to get an IV started. I haven't even been to nursing school but I'm pretty sure after randomly stabbing at my arms I could have tapped a vein by the 3rd attempt at the latest. But no matter. They got me IV'ed up and started my Cervidil, a drug meant to soften one's cervix overnight, and that was about it. Wednesday morning, an OMG is that Doogie Howser fresh-faced doctor came in, checked my cervix for the 100th time---and ordered the Pitocin, which is a drug meant to cause horrendous pain in women everywhere. A side effect is that it causes artificially strong contractions and puts you into man-made labor instantly. But let's back up for a moment so as not to gloss over the horror that is getting your cervix "checked." This means that a sadistic medical professional aggressively probes your cervix to determine if it is dilated enough to squeeze a baby out. I started off with what they were calling a "stubborn cervix" and 12 hours later they had upgraded to "cervix of steel"- their words not mine. I think they actually wrote that in my chart. My cervix WOULD NOT DILATE! Well give me a cape and call me Captain Stubborn Crotch!
So we made it through the night and at 7 AM our nurse C came on duty. She was nothing short of an angel. We loved her. I am pretty sure my husband would have given me his usual, "I'd do her" if he wasn't worried that I'd actually eat him and then wash the aftertaste down with a bowl of hospital grade chicken broth. Wednesday was full of man-made contractions and cervical checks. At 5 PM Mr. "are you honestly old enough to be an actual doctor" Man came in and informed me they were shutting off the Pitocin and contractions and that we had a "failed induction" on our hands. Rat Bastard. I didn't know that even existed. Turns out it does...
We were given the option to stay on overnight with another round of "cervix ripener" and to start the Pitocin again the next day. We did that, but were surprised when at 2 AM Thursday morning I started having contractions on my own. by 6 AM I was in lots of pain. They checked me again and guess what!?! I was STILL AT ZERO! Are you kidding me? I've been walking the halls with my pregnant, dimpled butt cheeks hanging out of a gown for the past 3 hours for all the world to see, breathing through the pain and I'm still at ZERO? The injustice!
So, we started the Pitocin again and we were in for another day of contractions. Joy. I don't want to hear any women bitchin' about 17 hour labors EVER again. At this point we were on 36 hours and still at ZERO people. 17 hours is like a freakin' ride in an amusement park.
Ok, this is where it gets bad so avert your eyes if you don't have the stomach for it. At 1 PM Thursday Mr. Smug, "I'm never gonna have to bare a child so I'll be as rough as I want to in handling your cervix" Doctor Man was on rounds so he decided to check my cervix. I was still between 0 and 1 so he just decided to wrench that cervix open for once and for all. My mom and husband looked on in shear horror as he physically exerted himself wrestling with the Cervix of Steel. I, and my stir-upped feet, were in white-knuckled anguish. He was trying to break my water but couldn't get the hook to fit into my cervix. (the hook they use to do this is identical to a crochet hook). He struggled and struggled and I think even my seasoned OB nurse was looker paler by the second as he began grunting and losing his breath. We were holding each others hands and I don't know who was sqeezing harder, her or me. I was in more pain than I'd ever been in in my life. I don't know how long this went on. It felt like hours. I think it was about 60 seconds or so? He then wiped the sweat from his brow and asked the nurse for something different, a name I didn't recognize. She ran over to a drawer, pulled out a long, skinny metal thing and handed it to him. I just shut my eyes to the world and tried to block out the onslaught of pain. He did in fact use this little "tool" to break through the Cervix of Steel and break my water. He looked satisfied and turned and walked out, looking more than a little worn out. I literally laid on that bed in paralyzing pain for about 20 minutes- that is no joke.
Fast forward a few hours. My contractions were intense and we called for the epidural. This was 42 hours into my labor mind you- I felt I had earned the right for some pain meds.
Well wouldn't you know, Doogie Howser the anaesthesiologist walks in. Let me start by saying have you ever seen an epidural needle. They're like 10 inches long people. Bummer. So when Doogie inserts it into my back, not once, not twice, but THREE times, because "I'm sorry, I seem to be hitting bone for some reason" I was not very happy. Translation= I about turned around and bitch-slapped him with his own needle. Were it not for the warning they had given me about sudden movements "now, we are going to stick a 10 inch piece of metal into your spine right now. If you so much as twitch with the pain, you could be paralyzed forever and drinking the rest of your meals from a straw as you will be in a permanent vegatative state. OK here we go now."
Fast forward. The epidural took the contraction pain away for the most part and 6 hours later we were ready to push. I'll spare you all the details of getting there but suffice it to say going from 0 centimeters to 10 centimeters in 5 or 6 hours is pretty quick. Let's skip to the part where I tell my husband "seriously, GO GET THAT NURSE! Something is happening down there!" He thankfully listens, goes to get her, she checks me and says, a bit surprised, "Wow, you dilate FAST! You are at 10. OK don't push, we need to wait for the doctor to arrive."
Um excuse me! It's been 50 hours lady 50 HOURS! And you are telling me not to push! At this point my epidural seemed not to be functioning at all because I was in some good old fashioned I HAVE to push this baby out kind of pain. The doctor walked in, took a seat and said, "let's push!"
I did an in one push she crowned. Ouch. Push number 2 and her head was out. This is actually things took a really scary turn. The
umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck. Things then happened so fast. The doctor was yelling at the nurses and he cut the cord off. Now, my baby, still stuck inside of the
Cervix of Steel, had no oxygen supply at all. They told me to push and I as I thought my sweet little baby who I had nurtured for 9 months, lying there motionless with no air, I pushed with ALL of my might to save her. She came out right then and there.
The nurse whisked her away and all I saw was her limp body. She was blue and it was horrible. I didn't care that I had just ripped in three places. I didn't care that I was bleeding profusely and the doctor was frantically trying to make it stop. I just watched that nurse trying to get my baby to respond. She was jiggling her and rubbing her limbs and it felt like my world was in slow motion as I waited for her to start breathing on her own.
Then I heard a tiny little whimper from her tiny little body and my heart skipped a beat. The nurse put an oxygen mask on her and said they were taking her away to give her more oxygen. I told my husband to "Go! Go be with our baby, I'll be fine!" It was weird not getting to hold her and kiss her right away. The doctor yelled at one of the nurses to get a shot of something to help stop the bleeding, and I just remember he kept yelling "more gauze, more gauze" to wipe up all the blood, all while he was trying to put some stitches in. I prayed for my baby and as my mom stood over me, I prayed for myself. I had this horrible vision of dying in childbirth and leaving my two precious daughters motherless and it was a thought that terrified me. How could I leave them in this world, without all the love and guidance, shopping and baking, wisdom and support like my mom had given me.
As you know by now, we made it through, all of us. It was painful and scary and I'm not sure I can stomach the thought of ever doing it again. I thank God every single day for answering my prayers.
Happy 1 month birthday sweetheart. I love you so much!!
