A lonely heart

All my readers know there are just some things about pregnancy that simply don't agree with me. Excruciating back pain- check. Non stop heartburn- check. Inability to throw back a grande-sized margarita- check. 9 months of general ill-being- check. But what you may have failed to realize is that there is one pregnancy offense, something so horrible that even most Mommy-to-be books don't dare whisper it for fear that the species would eventually die out. I'm reluctant to even udder the words...

But I feel compelled to vent this atrocious offense, maybe it will be cleansing for my soul? So here goes--- (disclaimer- those of you trying to have a baby right now- stop reading!) Did you know, that you will constantly feel a sense of emptiness and you will long, long like a crack addict for his next fix, like an alcoholic for his next drink, like Paris Hilton for her next purse-sized bejeweled dog, to just wear your favorite pair of jeans? You can't imagine the vast loneliness you will feel each time you see some unsuspecting lady at the mall, prancing around in her perfect jeans. Mine are "!IT" brand, "Sophie" cut. Sometimes I get them out of the closet, just to smell them. I talk to them, tell them I miss them and that I will do everything in my calorie-counting power to reunite with them one day soon. You may think I am being dramatic... I get that, I do. But until you've walked in my shoes- my ever expanding, ugly-ass practical, missing my stilettos, pregnant lady shoes, you can't judge me.

And on top of being separated from them for 9 months, on top of the humongous task of losing the baby weight in order actually fit my post-baby body in them, there is always the chance that they won't be in style when it's all said and done. I mean, turn to any page of People or Us Weekly and all that the celebs are wearing is "skinny jeans." Let me tell you something about skinny jeans. First of all- been there done that. It was called circa 1989 and they were called tapered and we vowed as women to never be subjected to such ugliness again. Second of all, unless you are actually "SKINNY," like, supermodel, smoke your lunch, SKINNY, these jeans will look like crap on you. So PLEASE, for the sake of sane women everywhere, do not even think about purchasing a pair of these evil denim leggings and perpetuating this fad. Just ask yourself, do you really want to mimic Lindsay Lohan anyway?