Today my homeslice Jamie says while pointing me toward the Chinese lunch buffet, "You go first, you're the pregnant one." I take her up on it and realize, maybe there is a bright spot to be pregnant? Maybe this whole, I'm so huge and fat and miserable and sick of being sick thing is getting old? Maybe my blog shouldn't read like a cautionary tale for birth control?
So, I've scrounged up (clawed my way actually) to ten positives of carrying a womb inhabitant.
1) Your friends let you go first in the China buffet line, even when it means you are totally wiping out the tray of Lo Mein.
2) Strangers hold doors for you (except the A-holes, they still don't... stupid A-holes. It's just common courtesy even if a woman is not pregnant, to not let a huge glass door slam her in the face. A-holes).
3) When you're husband is nagging you about cleaning house, or doing any other menial domestic chores, you can blame it on your sore back, swollen feet and the blood pooling in your legs causing unsightly varicose veins if you don't immediately put your feet up.
4) Food. Let's face it. Most people aren't judging you for the mass quantity of food you are eating, or the rare occasions where you eat a frozen burrito and a Butterfinger for breakfast. And if they are stupid enough to judge you, then you just sit on them.
5) Your husband is repulsed by your giantess figure and never bothers you for sex anymore. Sure, it may be the one time you actually want it, but score one for women nonetheless.
6) You have a built in shelf. Eat your heart out TV tray! I don't need you anymore coffee table! I have a handy, albeit slightly roundish, shelf at my disposal 24/7.
6) The crazy stomach spasms. I mean, 9 months of pregnancy is about 8 months too long. But, if there is one thing I just couldn't pass up, it would be feeling my baby move and watching my stomach do all sorts of crazy, jerky movements as my inhabitant practices their apparent gymnastics routine for the 2024 Olympics. Go baby go!! It kind of freaks my non-mother friends out. Homeslice always scrunches her nose up and says, "doesn't that freak you out?" as she turns away. But, it's my favorite thing, nonetheless!
OK, six. I can only think of six good things people. But that's worth something, right? Hope you enjoy them, it's back to bitchin' about this stuff tomorrow!