In memory

My great aunt passed away last week. She was a kind and gentle soul and she lived each of her 94 years to the fullest, something that each of us can only wish for. But something about my aunt haunts me. She endured. I know the pain of losing someone I love. It eats at you and physically hurts and sometimes you wonder if you can go on. So I know it takes a very courageous spirit to endure the way my aunt did. Everyone that she held closest to her heart, she lost. Her mother, her father. Her only sister. Two infant brothers. Her husband. And, while my grandmother was blessed with 9 healthy children, her sister, my great aunt, miscarried again and again. When she finally became pregnant, she cautiously enjoyed each kick. She thought about names. And then the day came where she became a mother. So, when her young daughter slipped from this world and went to heaven, she must have felt pain like few know.

I thought about this as I watched my daughter sleep this weekend. I let my tears slip down my cheeks. I asked God as I often do, why did I get so lucky? What did I do to deserve something so beautiful as becoming a mother? Maybe the Lord knows better than I do, maybe I wouldn’t have endured the way my great aunt did? I know that I’m not perfect. But I pray that God knows how indebted I feel, that I got to feel the kicks, the heartburn, the back pain, the swollen feet and the itty bitty hiccups. I thank Him for the runny noses, the toes stubbed on Little People, the sleepless nights, the lullabies, the little kisses, the Potty Dances and even the bribery. Because ultimately it means that I get to be a mother, and I am forever grateful for the Gift.

In Memory of Effie. 1916-2008.